I’m literally sitting here writing in my journal right now. I’m mid sentence, and a thought that I don’t think I’ve ever had came into my head. If my husband asked me to stop drinking, like, if he told me it was a problem for him, and he’d leave me or he’d hate me or […]
What I thought I’d never say Read More »
The first(?) step towards breaking down this brick wall that I’ve built around myself is to just admit that I cannot control this. I have no control over my addictions, over alcohol…I just can’t control it. That’s the focus in therapy right now. Just simply coming to terms with the fact that this is not
Accepting that I cannot control this. Read More »
I woke up this morning feeling…off. I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling like shits gonna hit the fan. Things feel off in my marriage. Not bad, there’s no problems or fights or really anything that I can put my finger on…but I just feel like there’s something off. Which probably means
The calm before the storm? But I’m staying in the moment. Read More »
The past few days, I’ve felt it coming. But I’m officially fighting the beast from within. The anxiety of it all starting coming to a breaking point last night. It had been a ROUGH day with the kids, and I was just fucking spent. My husband was going to the gym after work, which he
When anxiety turns to irritability and worse Read More »
“Permanently disabled”. Well, that’s the first time I’ve heard those words used in conjunction to describe me. Yesterday, I went to see a neuromuscular doctor for the first time, and it was…it was weird. It was actually super easy, and not what I was expecting at all. I guess now, since I have an actual
Therapy last night went…almost as well as it could have. Thankfully, we seem to be back to normal, and there isn’t any of that uncomfortable tension or awkwardness between us anymore. Now, it’s just back to the regular awkwardness and anxiety. Hah. Mostly, we talked about addiction, and what the fuck I’m going to to
Stop walking into the wall! Read More »
“Good morning, Alana. Take a seat and we’ll be with you shortly!” That’s exactly what happened this morning when I walked into the heart hospital. I’ve been here enough that they no longer ask my name, no longer ask why I’m here…they just know me. Now, granted, I suppose I do stick out a bit…I’m
Being known when everything feels unknown. Read More »
Well, I had a very familiar, very scary mindset set in on Friday. I had just gotten the kids to bed, no one else was home, and I was getting my own dinner ready. Then, as I was standing there at the sink, I saw it. An open bottle of wine….just sitting there. Speaking to
A slip isn’t a fall…until it is. Read More »
Surrender. To give up control of something to someone else. You cannot fix someone else, you cannot make them get help, you cannot force them to address and acknowledge a problem that they are not ready to. When you do addiction work, you hear a lot about that word. About surrendering. And also of acceptance.
I woke up today just feeling…bad. Sad for no specific reason, with this sense of doom that it’s just going to be a bad day. There’s no real reason for it, nothing that triggered it or caused it…I just…feel sad. I feel hopeless and lonely and like nothing can or will ever change. Honestly, my
Sometimes, you’re just sad. Read More »