My body is throwing up some red flags. At this point, I can either continue to ignore them and face the consequences that will follow, or I can slow down and listen. My anxiety has become more physical than ever, and I feel like I’m going to explode from the inside out. I’m short, I’m […]
Sometimes, I feel like the world is out to get me sometimes. But I also know that I’m like…this fucking small, and the universe doesn’t actually give a shit about me. Still, some days are hard. Today was hard as shit. I didn’t feel good physically, nothing went well at all, and I completely collapsed
Some days just suck. Read More »
It starts with one drink. One, simple, weak, controlled drink. A seltzer, not even a real drink. I was grieving, I was sad. I deserve this. Then, it was two. Because one drink never stays one drink. Two seltzers. They don’t count. It’s not even a mixed drink. It’s not a cocktail. It doesn’t count.
It starts with one Read More »
I’m a monster made from madness. Created, not born. You don’t become what I’ve become under circumstances you’d consider ideal. It took a lot to get me here…not a day lived “normally” in any of my 28 years. Abuse, pain, no protection, no love or safety or feelings of home… Just fear, abandonment, and isolation.
Monster Made From Madness Read More »
Another fucked up nightmare, come to grace me with its presence. I’m never sure which is worse, the nightmares of my dreams, or the nightmares of my reality. They both come around to haunt me when it’s their time. I’m just a failure born to lose. This fight was never mine to win. Not alone,
A never ending nightmare Read More »
Broken is all I feel, all I know how to feel. There’s so much to feel, but no space to feel it. So I guess I’d better not feel anything at all. When words don’t match your actions, don’t match your feelings…what are you left with? Say I’m fine, or worse…admit that I’m sad, continue
I’m sorry I did this to you. To all of you. I never meant to hurt you. Today I was confronted with some ugly realities, and it hit home just how much bad I’ve done. Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was wrong. I never should’ve wanted you, loved you into existence. These are the
I didn’t mean to hurt you Read More »
If you had asked me 2 years, or a year and a half ago, where I thought my marriage would be today, I would have probably told you that there wouldn’t be a marriage. Things between my husband and I were laughably bad. Things were…truly horrific. We all know that I am a loyalist to
How far we’ve come Read More »
She’s right, I am all or nothing. It feels good or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t feel good now, it must never have felt good. Laying next to me like a stranger instead of holding me like a friend. It isn’t his fault. I’m sure it’s mine. It always is. Right? Tonight did not
That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”. I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy,
I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good. Read More »