I’m upset this morning and I don’t know why. Tears are close to flowing, a rarity for me. There is no reason to be upset. It was a good morning. My husband even woke up a half hour earlier than usual so our morning coffee time together could be longer before we get the kids. …
You’re mind can’t fuck you if it’s silenced. The nightmares can’t scare you if they don’t exist. There’s no fear in closing your eyes if you don’t make the choice to close your eyes. Another drink will take it all away. Will strip you of your choice. Thank god. I can’t take another night in …
The nights are lonely. The nights are liars. It tells me everything I’m afraid of. The nighttime tells me I deserve the pain. I deserve the suffering. It reminds me in my nightmares. I’m lucky if I go a night without screaming in my sleep, waking at least one person up. Last night I wasn’t …
FUCK. How much no is no enough? I was uncomfortable. I was touched wayyyy too much. For the first time, maybe not really the first time, safe felt very unsafe. I kept trying to get away. I didn’t want to be touched. No part of me. Not my hand, not my foot, definitely not a …
I have a hard week coming up. Most of my weeks are hard to begin with, but next week we’re going to be entering some new territory, and I’m just not ready for it. I don’t know how to talk about it, I don’t think I even know how I feel about it. The reality …
Really…what does it mean? What does it look like when one trusts someone, or is able to be vulnerable? How can I overcome this massive blockade? I don’t have much experience with healthy relationships. My marriage is one, my therapist is another, some solid friendships here and there. And still, even in those, my comfort …
Another hungover morning. Aren’t they all? Maybe I finished my last drink, maybe I passed out before I could. There’s likely at least something left in my glass from the night before. Something strong. Why wouldn’t I drink it? It’s already made. It’s just a little. I’m not actually pouring a drink. It doesn’t really …
While giving my backstory is indescribably important into the telling of who I am and why…sometimes that’s exhausting. It can be exhausting and traumatic to relive, experience, and think about all of that again. I want to depart from that for just a second here, because this is very, very much also me. Many nights …
(You can find parts 1 and 2 of my backstory here) Shortly before I graduated high school, when things were just at an all time low for me, I was basically in self preservation mode. I was doing anything I could think of just to survive. I had just gotten out of that 3 year …