I don’t know what today holds, but I know it will consist of self care and listening to my body. I’ve been physically and mentally exhausted, and I am running on empty. I’m 23 weeks pregnant today, and I’m feeling it every second. Today, if I need to sleep, I will sleep. If I need […]
I feel every kind of blah that exists right now. Every part of my life feels so unfulfilling and vague. Like nothing is important, nothing matters, nothing is real. Everything feels so overwhelming and stressful. This pregnancy has kicked my ass physically, and I still haven’t gotten results from my amniocentesis nearly 3 weeks ago.
When you feel so bad that you actually feel nothing Read More »
She’s right, I am all or nothing. It feels good or it doesn’t. And if it doesn’t feel good now, it must never have felt good. Laying next to me like a stranger instead of holding me like a friend. It isn’t his fault. I’m sure it’s mine. It always is. Right? Tonight did not
Recently, I’ve talked a bit about this pregnancy, and the genetic disorder I share with my 2 sons, and potentially this baby as well. What I haven’t talked about yet, is my 8 year old. My birth son. Each child I have, I learned, has a 50/50 chance of inheriting this brutal disease. We know
When genetics make adoption even more complicated Read More »
I came inside to get away from you. I needed a break from the evening, from you. You’d been relentless, and I knew I needed to get away. I came into my house, into my room, and hid in the bathroom. I guess for a few minutes too long. You texted me, but I didn’t
Puddles on the floor Read More »
Tonight, much to my surprise, I will be put in exactly the same situation I found myself in a year ago. With “visitors” in my own home, in my space, invited by someone other than me. The person who sexually assaulted and raped me multiple times over the course of the last year is coming
I hope you don’t hear from me tonight. Read More »
The other night, I was on Reddit, and I saw a post that really hit home for me. The headline was “it all happened because your abusers don’t accept their own trauma. And that’s a good enough reason for you to accept your own trauma.” It was short, it was simple…but damn, did it really
Accept your own trauma. Don’t pass it on. Read More »
Therapy last night went… about as normal as it can go, I think. Which is a good thing, considering it’s been a bit strained for a while now. I went in, anxious as usual, and just started talking. About nothing in particular, just talking to talk. About anxiety, about the weather, about my son trying
Adjusting your “good enough” line. Read More »
Therapy is getting…difficult. And not in the ways I think it’s supposed to. Ever since moving from twice a week to once a week, I just haven’t felt connected to it. I’ve been having trouble finding the desire or the will or the…I don’t know. I just feel… sort of disconnected from it altogether. Last
When do strained relationships heal? Read More »
I had a blog post written and ready to go for this morning, but then, this morning happened. And it suddenly wasn’t the content matter that felt important for today. I’m feeling so disconnected from everyone lately. The past few weeks have been rough. Going from twice a week to once a week in therapy
Disconnected and exhausted Read More »