How could you do that? You did the very thing that you KNEW I was the most afraid of. Giving up on me. You gave up on me. I gave you something to read, hoping it would help you understand how I was feeling, where I was coming from. How do you interpret that from […]
I’m having a hard time today, and I’m feeling very defeated. I feel strangely similar to how I did 8 years ago, after my son was born, and I had to say goodbye. I feel that way now. After what happened on his birthday this year, where it was made clear to me that yes,
He isn’t mine, but I am still his Read More »
April 3rd, 2014“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This long without cutting, drinking, smoking…I can’t believe it’s all almost over. I had a doctor appointment the other day and I’m going to be induced tonight on the 3rd, and hopefully deliver on the 4th. That was my actual due date. I should’ve called
From the journal of a girl who is about to lose her son… Read More »
“Does sometimes your outside voice say ‘yes’ when your inside voice says ‘no’?” First of all, if you know where this quote is from, then welcome. You’re officially one of my people. For those of you, likely without young children, that don’t know, it’s a quote from (the best) kids show, Bluey. And today, after
Honoring our “inside” voices Read More »
I feel better today than I did yesterday. Today is my husbands birthday, so I have him to focus on. I’m glad to be with him and celebrating him, it gives me something more positive to focus on. Last night, right before we went to sleep, I asked if he would still love me when
Off to a better start…sort of Read More »
Driving home from therapy with a blurry field of vision is never what I hope for. Fighting back the tears, fighting back the emotions, fighting back the urge to kill myself… it’s like that’s when it hits me. Driving home, later at night, when all I want to do is give up. The pain is
I don’t want to feel this anymore Read More »
I’m not going to do it. But I really, really, fucking want to. I need to drink. It’s a need, it really is. It’s more than a want. I’m triggered, I’m hurting, and I want it to stop. I want the only thing that will make it better. People have a drink on occasion while
All the wrong reasons Read More »
Lately, I find myself feeling very down about myself. I just don’t feel good about anything. I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like how I’m acting because of it…and I don’t know. It just leaves me feeling really pretty worthless and like I have no value..nothing to offer. I guess it feels like
Pushing people away when I need them the most Read More »
Does being pregnant give me a pass for being a little bit more emotional lately? Yes? Okay, good. Let’s get started then. I have therapy tonight, for the first time in over a week due to spring break. Usually, I have therapy twice a week. On Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I hate breaks. It’s never good
A case study on myself for therapy Read More »
Now, as someone who lives with a considerable amount of anxiety, especially social anxiety, the idea of willingly walking into a brand new group of people, of which I know none of, alone…I mean, it’s the definition of terrifying. I deal with anxiety by drinking. Shit, I deal with everything by drinking. Hence the need
Let’s talk about AA Read More »