Tonight, I’ll drink to forget. I’ll drink so I can forget this feeling, this self loathing for not being enough. For not doing a good enough job. I’ll drink to forget how I failed, how I feel like I’m constantly letting you down. I’ll drink to drown out the internal screaming voices of hatred that …
I am not a person that likes to feel things, show emotion, let my guard down…any of that good stuff. Admittedly, it hasn’t proven to be the best method, but I’m working with what I’ve got. My life experiences have left me pretty hardened and cynical, but that doesn’t always serve me. For example, as …
Dear nightmares, What will you bring tonight? What version of the world will you choose to inscribe within my mind? Do you have me screaming out in horror? Do you have me attacking the innocents sleeping soundly next to me? Why? Why me? How many more nights does my husband have to put up with …
Of all I had to deal with tonight, you were the most unexpected. I’m extremely rarely brought to tears…but tonight I easily am. In terms of the evening, in terms of what I was afraid was going to happen…things went unfortunately as expected. But I didn’t expect to see you. To see pictures of you… …
You’d think by now I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t give a shit about my parents, how they treat me, what they say. But here we are, in yet another fucked up situation. My mom gets mad, starts screaming at me. That’s typical. It happens every weekend. Today she’s angrier than usual, more volatile, more hostile. …
Last week, something happened. I’m still not sure what to call it, how to classify if, but for arguments sake, let’s say it falls under the category of sexual assault. But I really don’t want to talk about it. That’s a lie, I desperately want to talk about it. But wanting to and knowing how …
Usually I love bad weather days. There’s an undeniable romance about the weather matching your mood. This morning everything just feels foggy. The air, my lungs, I can’t see very far. It’s hard to breathe, hard to focus, hard to even want to. My future feels too distant. Who am I kidding, tomorrow feels too …
Some nights feel too heavy. Some nights feel to dark, too lonely. It’s not the nights that are the sole problem. The nights are a reflection of the days. Rarely in my life have I felt as I did this week, these past few weeks. I don’t want this, the burden, the loneliness. Sometimes I …
Year 27. A year I’d never thought I’d make it to. To be honest, I’m surprised every year when I turn a year older. It just always feels like an accomplishment, like I survived once again despite the odds being stacked against me. Year 26 was brutal. Most of it life circumstances, some of it …
I have to see you tomorrow. For the first time since it happened. I didn’t think it would fuck me up this badly. I didn’t think I’d care. I didn’t think it was a big deal. But the contemplation of the lighter in my hand says otherwise. The pull of this bottle of vodka speaks …