The last drink of the night. At least it should be. The thoughts are creeping in. I know if I close my eyes, they’ll invade completely. Finishing this drink, topping it off, makes the thoughts stop. I can’t ever fall asleep. Can’t close my eyes. Finishing this drink will ensure the choice is no longer …
I couldn’t talk about it. I don’t know how to. I can answer questions, but even that is clumsy and hesitant. I don’t know which way to go here. This isn’t something that’s going to go away. This isn’t a person that I can avoid. My go to response is to ignore and avoid. This …
A fight. A disagreement. An argument. Tension. It doesn’t matter why. I’m not getting what I need, neither is he. He doesn’t know my half of it though, he doesn’t know what happened. I’d never be strong enough to tell him. I can feel where this is going. This is an all too familiar feeling. …
It’s been over a week since I’ve been to therapy, a vast difference from my typical twice a week schedule. I like it when things make sense, when I can be prepared, and when I more or less know what’s coming. I thought that would be the case going into Monday. Honestly, I thought I’d …
When your “few nights a week” turns into every night, is it starting to be too much? When your typical 2 drinks a night turns into 3, is it too much then? What about when your (now typical) 3 drinks a night are getting stronger and stronger, is it too much now? When your drink …
The thing about trauma and PTSD is that it can come up unexpectedly and seemingly out of nowhere. I have a pretty significant amount of PTSD and all of that, but still, things frequently take me by surprise about what can be triggering or scary. Last year on Independence Day, my family shot off fireworks …
I still don’t understand this. If my days convince me it wasn’t that bad, it wasn’t a big deal, and that it was in fact nothing, why do my nights tell me so very drastically otherwise? It either was or it wasn’t. How could there be a grey area? Sober(ish) me is convinced that I’m …
“You’re future is worth sticking around for”. That’s the quote on my calendar this month. I laughed when I saw it. July is my birthday month, next week actually. I’m not a fan of my birthday, I’ve never been sold on the idea of celebrating me. I’ve never seen myself as worthy of celebrating. Not …
You’re mind can’t fuck you if it’s silenced. The nightmares can’t scare you if they don’t exist. There’s no fear in closing your eyes if you don’t make the choice to close your eyes. Another drink will take it all away. Will strip you of your choice. Thank god. I can’t take another night in …
The nights are lonely. The nights are liars. It tells me everything I’m afraid of. The nighttime tells me I deserve the pain. I deserve the suffering. It reminds me in my nightmares. I’m lucky if I go a night without screaming in my sleep, waking at least one person up. Last night I wasn’t …