suicide

Irony

I didn’t get better fast enough, and now I’m feeling alarmingly worse. I wasn’t vulnerable enough, couldn’t feel secure fast enough. And now I don’t know if it will ever be possible to feel those things. Some things got better, but it wasn’t better enough. I was struggling, barely holding on. And it feels like …

Irony Read More »

It just hurts too much.

I’m tired. I’m too tired to keep doing this. I don’t have anything better than that to say today. Depression is kicking my ass, the pain is winning, and I feel broken and alone. I keep wondering what the point is, and I just don’t think there is one anymore. I’m not okay. I haven’t …

It just hurts too much. Read More »

I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good.

That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”. I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy, …

I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good. Read More »

When “I love you” turns into “I need you”

There are 2 very opposing sides of me. The colder, more distant and avoidant version…and the more needy, clingy, very, very broken version of me. These 2 different versions of me could not be more opposing. They are both very broken, but I guess they are different kinds of broken. The version of myself that …

When “I love you” turns into “I need you” Read More »

No sheep to count

Another night, laying awake. While most people count sheep, she counts bad decisions. “Actions have consequences”. The words she reminds her son echoing in her head, as if she didn’t already know them to be true. It wasn’t a bad day. She didn’t do anything wrong or hurt anyone, she nearly never does. Yet still, …

No sheep to count Read More »