I have had a bad few days. A really, incredibly, fucked up few days. I thought therapy would go well tonight, and honestly, if I had kept my fucking mouth shut, it would have. It would’ve been fine. But I tried to open up. And every single fucking time I do that, when shit gets …
Sometimes, the best therapy sessions require not so many words. She knows me well enough to know the big things. How I’m feeling without having to explain why I feel this way. The history is significant enough to where I can tell her the facts, and I don’t need to explain the emotions. We sat …
Word count isn’t everything, but real connection is. Read More »
Trust is such a…powerful word, which holds quite a bit of meaning and weight. Questions like who I can trust, what can I trust them with…and what does it even mean to trust? Do I even have it in me? Do I posses the capability to allow myself to trust another person? Give them the …
Vulnerability. A seemingly forever ongoing topic. How to be real, how to feel, how to show feeling. Our conversations are often led with sarcasm at the forefront, my most famous defense. Feeling has never been safe, and talking about feelings had always led to danger for me. Tonight was easy. It wasn’t significant (except it …
My therapist rarely asks me to do anything outside of session, but when she does, it usually involves writing. Yesterday during my session, we were talking about EMDR and how when we tried it a few weeks ago, my brain fought it so hard that we pretty much got nowhere. We haven’t tried it again …
Tomorrow evening, I will once again have to face the person who sexually assaulted me a few weeks ago. Due to the nature of who this person is, it is impossible to simply remove myself from their life, from their presence. It is an ongoing situation that I am still desperately trying to find safety …
I thought it would be okay. It thought it wouldn’t happen again. But it did, and it happened worse. He touched me, he kissed me, he assaulted me. He put his hands on me. Under my clothes…inside me. These are not unclear circumstances, and I am not okay. If I was unclear before, if I …
He assaulted me again, and tonight I am not unclear. Read More »
I am not a person that likes to feel things, show emotion, let my guard down…any of that good stuff. Admittedly, it hasn’t proven to be the best method, but I’m working with what I’ve got. My life experiences have left me pretty hardened and cynical, but that doesn’t always serve me. For example, as …
Some nights feel too heavy. Some nights feel to dark, too lonely. It’s not the nights that are the sole problem. The nights are a reflection of the days. Rarely in my life have I felt as I did this week, these past few weeks. I don’t want this, the burden, the loneliness. Sometimes I …
No matter how much I want to, I’ll never be able to speak the words that my head is screaming. I’ll always be a disappointment. Burdened to carry the weight of the world myself. I need to get this away from me. I need to share the weight of it. This is crushing me, and …