Tolerance is a funny thing with many different meanings and uses. Usually, tolerance is a good thing. Our ability to withstand a situation or experience. How patient we may be, how much we can accept, put up with…how long until we crack.
Like I said, it’s usually the desired effect.
Then there’s the other side.
How much liquid poison I can put into my body until I reach the same (un)desired effect.
Alcohol is tricky like that. It demands so much of you. It lies to you and makes you feel like you’re in control. But you’re not. You never are, and you never will be.
You might think you’re in an equal partnership with alcohol, maybe you even feel that you have all the power. But those are just the lies that it tells you.
Slowly, but surely…possibly even repeatedly throughout a lifetime…the ebbs and flows become apparent. Hopefully you’re lucky enough to get a reprieve, a decrease in usage, in tolerance….but even those are short lived. Alcohol sneaks back in. Its voice getting louder, yet it somehow feels quieter.
Tolerance increases, tolerance decreases.
Your body is more accepting of this needed poison, it craves it more and more. The power shift is apparent now.
Your body can tolerate more…it demands more. But suddenly that’s the only thing you can tolerate.
There’s no room for any other tolerance. There is no way to manage stress, navigate difficult situations, pain, grief…. The void is falsely filled, numbed, before it even has a chance.
The more your body demands, the more you fill your needs and the drown the pain, silence it with alcohol and fear, the less able we are to tolerate life.
An already difficult situation suddenly becomes more and more painful. All the harder to navigate.
Tolerance. A great thing. How much I can handle, how much I can accept, take on…endure.
My tolerance is incredibly high….
But I just can’t tolerate anything anymore.