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The dreaded mornings

Every day seems to start the same lately. Wake up at 5, after maybe having gotten 4 hours of sleep. Have coffee and spend time with my husband for an hour before he leaves for work.

Have more coffee at 6, trying to absorb every quiet, peaceful moment to myself. The closer it comes to 7, the more the anxiety and the dread builds. I don’t want to get the kids, I don’t want to start my day.

As soon as I leave this bed, as soon as I leave the questionable serenity of my room…that’s it.

It’s nonstop noise and chaos for the entire day until their bedtime. Then my husband gets home exactly as I’m putting them to bed.

There’s no time for me or my needs. I’m not being the best version of myself that I can be right now. I’m running on empty and I’m so exhausted.

I’m breaking down physically, my ear is literally bleeding. (I always joke that the kids are going to rupture my eardrums….maybe I wasn’t joking?)

It’s the kind of day where I desperately need to take a shower. I wanted to yesterday, but I very quickly ran out of spoons. Today feels no different, and nots not even 7am yet.

It’s the kind of day where I feel like as soon as I get into the shower, as soon as the warm (not hot) water hits me, a wave of emotion is going to come over me and I’m going to break.

I’m close to my breaking point. Or maybe I’m literally just so fucking tired…maybe a little hungover, but it doesn’t really feel like that. Or maybe I just have a hole in my ear. It’s all the same, really. Hard to sleep when you have blood coming out of your ear.

I have therapy tonight. If still I’m feeling this fatigued by then…Who knows how it will go.

Maybe she’ll finally break me. I don’t think I’d mind.

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