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Empty introspection

Tonight has been strange, for no other reason than being relatively unable to identify how I feel.

I am unfortunately good at being introspective. Sometimes I think it’s simultaneously one of my biggest gifts and curses. I think anyone with a high level of introspection can agree with that sentiment.

But, tonight is just weird. I feel off, I feel empty. I didn’t have a bad day, per se…but all day I kind of just had a hard time being emotionally present. Actually…I found myself being much more physically present than usual? Like I was more aware of how my body felt and what my heart felt like.

It was weird, because I usually only have that physical awareness when my anxiety is sky high and it feels like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

I’ve been feeling so withdrawn lately. For the past few weeks it’s like….it just takes so much physical exertion to be outside of myself. To talk, or smile, or nod, or conversate…and if I’m forced to break that external silence, it feels like it erupts out of me in anger and anxiety and annoyance. Either that, or it just doesn’t come out at all. Which is the issue that’s been happening in therapy this past week.

My head is so deep in thought, but it still feels empty. I can’t come up with anything good. Not that I’m looking for anything…but damn. Usually if I’m this internalized and introspective, I can at least come up with something.

But, I don’t know. I just feel really alone and isolated and weird.

What I want the most right now is people. This isn’t even close to the first time in my life that I’ve gone through a period of time like this, and it’s always the same thing that helps. It’s like I get so shut down, that no matter how much my brain is working and thinking and fucking SCREAMING at me to just say the damn words…my mouth refuses to do it.

And usually, the only thing that ever helps is when a safe and trusted person just like reaches inside of me and grabs it. That’s what I need right now. The words are there, the thoughts are there…but I just fucking need someone to reach out and make it feel okay and safe again. Because the worse I feel about it, the more aware of the issue I am, the harder it is to actually come out of this shell.

I hope you know what I’m talking about…I have no idea if I’m making sense.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel like my soul needs a hug. Or a cup of coffee. Or a cozy blanket. Apparently my soul is cold…? Eh, sounds about right.

I’m just feeling pretty rough. I physically feel withdrawn…and it scares me, yet I’m okay with it. So I don’t really understand it. I don’t want to feel like this…yet I do…so don’t bother trying to talk to me or look at me right now because there is no part of me that is going to attempt to connect with you…but also please save me…?????

Like, seriously, what the fuck is going on with my brain?

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