Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

Bring it on, Monday.

Another day, another doctor. This one is the “big” one…maternal fetal medicine (my high risk OB), which I’ll have every few weeks until baby boy is here.

At this point, we’re carefully monitoring his growth, along with my physical condition, to make sure we don’t need to deliver early. I know at my last appointment he dropped from the 90th percentile in size to the 60th, so I’m interested to see where falls today.

My husband had to leave for work super early today, so that was an odd start to my morning for sure. Instead of our usual “coffee hour” that we spend together before we get the kids, I spent that by myself. And honestly, I didn’t mind it. Worrying about myself, and no one but myself for those few minutes to start my day was….refreshing.

I definitely don’t feel like I’m equipped with the energy required to tackle the week this week…but, as I said yesterday…I know I need to start looking at this in smaller chunks. Don’t look ahead at the whole week, just look at right now.

Right now, I’m at the doctor. I can worry about later later. But right now, this is where I am, and this is what I’m doing.

I do think that taking things slower and breaking them down into smaller, more manageable bites will help. I mean…that’s the hope, anyway.

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I just finished my ultrasound and now I’m waiting in the consult room. To say I’m nervous today is an understatement. I was practically holding my breath throughout the entire ultrasound because I was so nervous. And this little stinker STILL will not show me his face. He’s always turned away or too squished in there. Ugh. I just want to see him.

I think it’ll still be a minute before the doctor is in here, but I can’t help but feel nervous. The anxiety is palpable. I always get too nervous to actually bring up my symptoms, and I either forget, or just assume that they’re “normal”. I need to not do that today…but we’ll see.

No matter what happens today, I’m still glad that at least I’ll have therapy this week. It was really rough not having it last week, and I definitely don’t think it helped my urge to start isolating and withdrawing. Even now, I can feel it growing. Because even though I’m glad and grateful to have therapy tomorrow…I still would rather bury my head in the sand and just not deal with it.

I think I’m just talking now because I’m nervous. Hopefully she’ll be in soon, and nothing crazy happens.

But either way, I can’t control it. I can’t control anything that happens anymore…with this pregnancy, or otherwise. And I think I just need to learn to be okay with that.

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