Well, I had a very familiar, very scary mindset set in on Friday. I had just gotten the kids to bed, no one else was home, and I was getting my own dinner ready.
Then, as I was standing there at the sink, I saw it. An open bottle of wine….just sitting there. Speaking to me, inviting me in.
Now, let me be clear. I am NOT a wine drinking kind of drinker. I mean, sure, I’ll supplement with wine if “necessary”, but it is in no way my drink of choice. I don’t even like how it tastes. (I know, right? Like, what kind of fucking alcoholic am I?)
Anyway, I just…I didn’t even think. It was like basic math. Kids in bed + Friday night + just a little bit won’t hurt = …sure? Drink a little?
So I poured a cute little juice glass of wine and drank it. And even though it was gross and unenjoyable…it was still so damn good.
I felt guilty, but I also didn’t. (It doesn’t really count as drinking, it’s not my “drink of choice”, I only had a little)…all of those little justifications.
The dangerous part came on Saturday morning. When, once again, I found myself in an enticing position. I was home alone, my husband took the kids out for a few hours…and there was that same bottle, just staring at me in the face.
And the justifications came on full force.
You’re home alone! That never happens! You deserve it.
A little doesn’t hurt!
You don’t even like wine. If you don’t like it, that doesn’t count either.
You’ve had a hard week, a hard life. You deserve it. It’s okay.
In the end, I didn’t do it. I didn’t allow myself to slide down that slippery slope on Saturday like I did the day before. I distracted myself away from it and told myself I would only regret it if I made that choice.
I’m glad I was able to not make that bad choice and slip into that rhythm again…but I know how easy, and how quickly, these patterns pick up.
I may not have fallen flat on my face this weekend…but I did definitely slip and stumble.
This will remain a lifelong challenge for me. And not one day of this challenge will be easy. But it’s a battle I know I have to face.
Because the alternative?
Well…that’s just unacceptable. And I do not want to go back there.
Ever.