It’s been…a hell of a weekend. Life is starting to catch up with me, and to be honest, all I want to do is drink.
Like…all I want to do.
I’ve managed to abstain from slipping back into some bad patterns, but it’s been hard. All day today, all I wanted to do was drink.
Back when things were really bad with my drinking, it was an all day thing. I would wake up and start drinking and pretty much just ride that wave all day. Trying to manage withdrawals, trying to deal with the bullshit that is my life…just trying to survive.
Today was rough. My 5 year old was in a mood and was just…challenging. I handled the situation well and stayed calm in the moments that I needed to with him, but shit. At the end of the day, all I want is a fucking drink. My anxiety is through the roof, and I just want to feel better.
Since the baby has been born, I’ve managed to avoid liquor so far. I’ve had a few hard seltzers for the past few weeks most nights, but I haven’t actually made a drink. I’m told that that still counts…but it doesn’t really feel like drinking.
I know that it is…but I certainly haven’t lost control, and it still feels very manageable.
…….which makes me feel almost safe enough to lose control.
That’s the problem. I’ve basically been scared sober for a little while now. Things were awful. Like, really fucking awful. Then I was sober for the entirety of my pregnancy, which I knew and planned for going into it.
So once he was born, and I got my own body back and the freedom to do with it what I wanted…I was terrified.
But now I’ve “tested the waters” in a way, and I feel lulled into a bullshit sense of security with it. And that’s the thing. I absolutely know that’s it’s bullshit.
Tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away from the drink that I really want. And I know that once I go down that path….it will be absolute hell trying to get off it.
I don’t know that I want to fight anymore, to be honest.
Some days are hard.
Today was hard.
And I’ll I’ve been doing is fighting.
Fighting myself, fighting the urges, trying to be strong, trying not to drink….
Some days I just don’t want to.
Tonight, I wish I had the freedom to just do what I wanted. Without fighting.
I know that it won’t make me feel better. Drinking will make me feel worse. It will make me feel guilty and it will make all of my real feelings that I’ve been avoiding come flooding back in.
But feeling my real feelings?
Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.
Pushing them down certainly never helps.
I just wish I was stronger, I wish I wasn’t weak.
I wish things were easier.