Today was harder than it should’ve been.
I’ll detail that more tomorrow, I promise.
But today was hard. I got through it…we got through it. It didn’t end it tragedy.
It didn’t end tragically.
Yet, I’m still struggling. Today was triggering. My son’s health was seriously jeopardized.
He’s fine. It’s fine. He’s safe.
But I don’t feel safe right now.
I feel triggered. And hurt. And alone.
I feel like…no matter what had happened tonight…it would’ve ended the same.
With me, alone, sitting on the bathroom floor with all the alcohol I want, and no one to reach out to.
Not because there’s no one there…but simply because of guilt. Guilty to unload myself onto someone else. Fear of burdening them with…me.
Today, I was genuinely afraid my son was going to die.
He’s okay, he’s home.
He’s safe.
And I suppose, I am too.
But I’m shaken.
I feel alone and insecure and just…..fragile. Everything is fragile.
It’s so…so fucking fragile.
There are topics that people don’t understand. And therefore…feel uncomfortable talking about.
My husband included.
Today was scary as fuck.
We’re all fine. We’re all safe….for now. I don’t know what tomorrow brings…
But damn.
Do I feel alone in my experiences sometimes.
And I sure as hell wish I didn’t.