Confidence is fleeting. Nothing more than a moment trying to convince you of your successes. Your potential successes.
It’s great, it feels amazing…it makes you feel like you actually can do it.
Confidence is the ingredient most integral to success. It really is.
Until it’s gone. Until you’re triggered, until there’s nothing left.
Drink significantly less for a few days…insert false confidence that this is easy, I can do this, I’ll probably just never drink again!
But addiction has other plans. Triggers have other plans.
So, yeah. You’re confident until.
Until you’re triggered.
Until you’re just ever so slightly mentally weak, and those dark thoughts start to creep back up.
You’re confident until you fail.
And then…were you ever even confident at all? Or was it all just some temporary bullshit that never meant anything at all?
What, did I expect to live a life without triggers?
Did I expect this to be so fucking easy easy that I could in fact just simply stop drinking completely silently and in my own without confiding in a single soul?
Is that really what I thought?
Or did I just have some random as fuck inflated sense of confidence after a few good (yet impossibly difficult nights) and think I would be good to go forever?
Surely I’m not that stupid…right?
Surely I know myself and how the world works better than to be so naive, don’t I?
So, yeah. I was confident.
Confident until.
Until triggers.
Until pain.
Until tonight.