Tuesday’s are OT days (occupational therapy) for the boys. Usually it’s a light, fun time where everyone is (most often) in a good mood. Including me. I rarely show emotion in general, but even if I seem a little off, their therapist will notice and call me out on it. I guess that’s what happens when you see someone nearly daily for 4 years. They get to know you a little too well.
I knew I wasn’t feeling strong when I was fighting back the tears while driving there, already I felt defeated. I could’t get the images out of my mind…the feeling of him on me. Stuck on repeat like an old busted tape.
I got there and she could tell I wasn’t right. I think I forced a smile a little too hard. She asked me if I was okay and I said I was. But she kept asking and honestly, I wanted to tell her. But it didn’t seem right. I am not her problem.
A little later during the second hour, my older sons turn, I was really feeling weak and out of it. I was so in my own head I didn’t even realize what was going on around me.
My son cut out a circle all by himself (and did a pretty great job!) which is difficult for a 4 year old, but especially difficult when you body betrays you.
He and the therapist both got excited and looked up at me to join in their excitement, as I normally do. But I didn’t even notice, and when they both looked at me I had tears in my eyes, begging my body to keep fighting them back. Ultimitely I did…but it was noticeable.
I feel flayed. I feel exposed and I just… Those moments keep replaying in my head. I keep being thrown right back there, to that night.
It sucks, but I need to be better. I need to be stronger. It seems stupid that I even have to be strong right now, because really, all I want to do is just fall apart and melt into a puddle of uselessness and just hide. But I can’t do that. I’m a parent. I have little humans who need me to function.
So I will.
I don’t want to miss out on any more cut out circles.