Last night was BRUTAL. My dog was sick so he was pretty much every 30 minutes needing to go outside. I think I got 3 hours of sleep total. This is not super uncommon for him, he has always had GI issues. (Why is there something wrong with everyone who lives here?!)
Anyway. I’m feeling pretty crappy, physically, right now. I have therapy tonight. On Tuesdays I have it later, like from 6-8pm. I already wasn’t feeling the best about it even before my nightmare of a night, but now I’m questioning it even more.
It’s been a week since I’ve been there (instead of having gone on Friday also), that already puts me on edge. I do incredibly well with consistency and frequency. The more time that passes between seeing someone, the easier it is for me to push them away and let the thoughts seep in that they don’t care anymore.
I started feeling a lot like that over the past few days. Like “she doesn’t care, so what’s the point anymore”. It’s dumb, and it’s not true, and it’s literally just my own insecurities unfolding that make me feel that way. Logically, I know that isn’t the case. I’m just already on edge.
Last week was when I let her read all of that stuff that I had written about the “who” and I don’t know. It was just vulnerable and painful and it sucked. So it was unfortunate that Friday had to be missed. Then all of that with my birth son and him being on the news and all of that…
I feel like I’m going to walk in there being all defensive and shut down and assuming “she’s upset with me about something” when I KNOW that isn’t true. (Well, I hope not anyway.)
The ironic part is that that’s the complete opposite of what I want to do. I want to go in there and just be confident and feel okay and safe and like it’s okay to be there, rather than feeling like I’m a burden. Or a problem.
The worse I feel, the more I push someone away and act defensively, the more I probably need the complete opposite.
I haven’t watch that video yet. I just can’t. It’s going to bring up SO much for me… and I know I’m not strong enough to do that on my own.
I tried to yesterday..I think I made it about one second in before I realized I’d spend the rest of the day making bad decisions if I watched more.
There’s no way I know how to explain it to you in a way that could make sense. So, that’s frustrating for me. My husband knew how rough last night was. Before he left for work, he looked at me and said “if today isn’t the day for it, thats okay”. Meaning, he knows I was going to talk about that in therapy. And maybe watch it there. Or have her watch it…hah. It just felt like a safer and better option. Because it’s genuinely going to destroy me.
I appreciated that he said that because it was like he acknowledged that he’s aware of how difficult watching it will be for me, despite how much I WANT to, and acknowledging that last night was pretty insane and he wants me to take care of myself.
OH. AND then there’s that infamous, well known fact, that whenever I go into therapy feeling any sort of big emotion, it historically goes epically wrong.
But it doesn’t have to be bad. I think it can be fine. I want it to go well and I know what I do and I know my patters….so maybe I can just like…not do that?
Yeah. That’s the plan. I’m going to go in there and just not do all the things to help it go wrong. Solid plan. It’s fine, guys. I got this.