Therapy last night sure was different.
But, honestly? I kind of loved it.
And I don’t think I realized how much I appreciated it until I was driving home.
Therapy, for me, has always been sitting in a room, feeling slightly awkward, slightly uncomfortable, and trying to make it work.
But last night? I don’t know. It just felt so normal. So real. So real in a real life kind of way that I can’t explain.
It just felt like we were having a conversation, and I didn’t feel like I was under any pressure to “perform”. It just…was. It felt so fucking normal.
I’m a girl who loves a good park bench. The majority of my most impactful memories over the past 10 years involve sitting on the most random park bench you can think of, and having important conversations.
Last night felt like that. Which, I’m pretty sure is at least in part why my therapist thought this would be good. Aside from our other goal of just watching people without specifically forming judgments, which we also did.
We spent a good amount talking about my car, and trust me, it needed to be talked about. I’m still sad about it. We watched the people in the park and I tried to observe without judging or forming opinions (still easier said than done).
Then we talked about attachment. A common theme here in the therapy thread. And how for me to be able to form secure attachments (of which I have none), I need to be able to allow there to be room for ebbs and flows within the relationship, without assuming that any time there’s tension or strain or disagreements or whatever, that that person is automatically done with me and going to leave. And also, the idea that secure relationships don’t necessarily mean that they will last forever.
That sometimes, someone is in your life for a period of time, and it’s exactly what you need at the time, but not necessarily forever.
I struggle with both of those concepts a LOT. Secure relationships (as opposed to anxious or avoidant) are just not something that comes naturally to me. As someone who has had a pretty fucked up life, trusting people just isn’t something I learned to do.
Therapy went well last night. And I’m happy that we’re going in a positive direction.
Despite the overly assertive squirrel invading our space, being in the park was really nice. It felt more normal than I thought it would, and the anxiety over the newness of it went away pretty quickly.
My life is hard. It’s hard and busy and stressful, and the positive moments can be easy to miss. So I’ll take all the good moments I can.
Therapy in the park went well, even though it was really stressful at first.
But I’m always going to appreciate all the moments, big or small, that are positive or impactful.
Now, all I have to do is master secure attachments, and we should be good! 🙃