Alright guys. This is a hard one for me. If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you might know a bit about my sister.
For those of you that don’t know, my “sister” is essentially the bane of my existence. She is 9 years older than me, and has literally tortured and abused me for my entire life. I don’t want to get into it, but, essentially…I hate her. And I’m pretty okay in my feelings of hatred towards her. I don’t owe her anything, she isn’t a person who I desire to associate my self with in any fashion, and there is no chance or desire of ever “amending our relationship”.
That being said, apparently the seething hatred I have towards her whenever she has the nerve to be in my presence, isn’t doing anything for me. Apparently, it isn’t hurting or punishing her…it’s only hurting me.
Look. I have gone my entire life being very comfortable and justified with the fact that I will never forgive her. There’s never been a reason to. Like I said…I have zero desire for her to have any role in my life, and frankly, she does NOT deserve my “forgiveness”. It’s never even been something I considered to be a possibility. Like…why the fuck should have to put so much work and effort and mental energy into forgiving HER, the actual devil, when I could just…………….not?
But here we are, in yet another conversation I never thought I’d find myself in. Forgiving her…or maybe that’s not even the word we’re using for it…I don’t know. Either way…that’s the question at hand.
When it first got brought up in therapy last week…I guess I sort of didn’t even take the thought too seriously. Like I said, it’s never been something I had ever wanted to entertain, let alone actively work towards.
But, once again, my therapist makes a somewhat convincing argument, and for the first time, I’m willing to consider it.
But, in all honesty…I don’t know what any of this even really means, and I have some questions.
Firstly….but, like, in all seriousness….what would it mean to “forgive her”? What does that mean??? Does it mean I’m not angry any more? Does it mean I’m admitting that she “wins”, because I’m “letting go” or whatever the fuck it is…and she didn’t do shit to deserve it??? I honestly don’t know.
Secondly, my therapist does have a point. And I can see her point, even through the veil of anger and hatred. Which I guess means that it holds some truth to it. But…how important could this really be? Like I said…I want nothing to do with her. Forgiveness wouldn’t imply or assume any hope of a relationship, because she is the very definition of toxic. So I just question why I have to put in so much work and pain and discomfort when…maybe it just doesn’t matter?
And thirdly….completely honestly here…is this even possible? She truly is……I hate her. I feel bad for it, I don’t enjoy being capable of feeling such negative things for a person, but she’s earned the feeling. So, I have to wonder if, even if I REALLY, really wanted to…if it would even be possible for “forgiveness” to take place, when the emotion attached to it is so….strong.
My therapist has a way of getting to me, of making things makes sense. Not always, but occasionally.
We ended therapy the other day with her reading something I wrote, and me randomly stream of conscious writing in a coloring book to alleviate the building anxiety.
She then read that, and asked if she could write something in there, too. So she did, handed it back to me, and then it was time to go.
I read it when I got home later that night, and it helped things make a bit more sense. And it also made me feel….I don’t know…less alone in the struggle, maybe?
She’s not wrong. Logically, I think I know that.
But I still hate her (my sister)…and I have some serious reservations about putting myself through the struggle of “forgiving” her.
I’m willing to try…but i really wish I understood it all a little better. It might sound ridiculous that I don’t fully “understand what it means for me to ‘forgive’ her”, but it’s also not the most typical situation.
Forgiveness is actually something that comes to me quite easily.
Just….this is a different beast. One I never thought I’d be facing.
I want to feel better. I really just question if it’s even possible…or worth it.