Lately I’ve been feeling so off. I feel disconnected from myself and my thoughts, and I just feel useless.
Despite being a parent and taking care of my kids needs…I feel completely useless as a human being. Like I’m just not offering the world anything beneficial with my presence. Everything is hard right now and I really just don’t want to do anything.
Laundry is hard. Writing is hard. Talking is hard.
Existing is hard.
There is so much around me that always needs to be done, but I can’t do any of it. I really just don’t want to do anything. So I sit there, not folding laundry, not picking up toys, not doing so many of the things that need doing…and then I hate myself for it.
I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. If nothing else, I just see a huge waste of space and a disappointment.
I know my life is hard, and I know I have a lot on my plate…but I really just feel like I’m drowning. I’m failing and I can’t keep up.
All I want to do is just hide from the world. If I could, I’d just wrap myself in a blanket of protection from the world and never come out. I want it all to stop.
I don’t know how it’s possible to feel everything and nothing all at once…but that’s exactly how I feel.
Broken, numb, alone, useless, unworthy.
At least my family loves (tolerates?) me….even if I can’t love myself.