I have been struggling a lot these past few days.
Laundry? That’s a hard nope.
Drinking more alcohol, having darker thoughts, thinking about dying and self harm, even when I’m sober…
Everything is hard. I don’t want to do anything. Like, at all. Letting the kids watch tv so they are quiet and not screaming at each other? Fine.
Eating? No thank you. Unless it’s chocolate, and then absolutely.
I don’t feel like writing or talking or feeling.
I’m isolating and pulling back from people, I don’t want to see anyone or do anything.
And all I want to do is sleep.
I literally didn’t know why I was feeling this way, until I texted my husband. And he reminded me (distracted, while at work) that, yeah, how I’m feeling kind of makes sense.
This time of year sucks for me. My birth sons birthday is coming up, and I’m really feeling it. I’m not talking about it, but it’s an extremely present force that’s just sucking the life out of me.
I thought that by ignoring it or not talking about it, or thinking about it, that I wouldn’t feel it either. But even though I’m ignoring it, I’m still feeling it.
I need extra support this time of year. I don’t know what that means, or what that looks like, but I know that I need it.
I hate his birthday. Yes, I love that he is here and that we have a day to celebrate him. But it’s an anniversary of the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. There isn’t a way to describe the pain.
No one should have to lose their child, through any circumstances.
I don’t have many words right now.
Depression is kicking my ass.
Fuck the laundry. Fuck the house needing to be organized. And fuck self care. Who cares about any of it right now.
All I want to do is lay in bed while the world goes on around me.
Damn.
This month might be harder than I thought. Guess I’m not going to get through it so easily after all.
Is it time to give up yet?