There’s a very real possibility that within the next few weeks, I will absolutely (temporarily) become the very the worst version of myself.
As of this moment, I have not got more than…25?hours sober in…years. I’ve pushed, I’ve tried, I’ve extended the zone…but let’s be real. It’s been years since I’ve ever been more than a day sober. I know this.
I know what I’m up against.
And I know I might be pregnant soon.
This doesn’t come lightly to me. I know that as soon as I see 2 pink lines…..that’s it. That’s the end. There’s no more fucking around, no more excuses, no more bullshit.
2 pink lines means it’s over. In the best and worst ways.
I haven’t been sober in years. But I’m prepared to be. I’m attempting to prepare myself for it.
But….physiologically????? Shit. I am in for a world of hurt.
Of suddenly having to be completely sober…a feeling my body hasn’t experienced in literally years…and then the hormones and changes that pregnancy guarantees on top of that??????!
I can only imagine how I might feel, let alone how I’ll act. I can guarantee that I’ll be a wreck. Hormones from pregnancy aside….sudden and immediate sobriety alone will bring out the worst of me.
I know that I will be a wreck. I will be a disaster. The very best thing that he can do is love me though it.
We’ve discussed this. We both know that the solution is just to love me through it. The way forward is for my husband to make me feel loved and supported and safe…even if it’s rough. My body is going to be fighting me. It’s going to hate me.
I’m honestly terrified of this transition…but I know it’s for the best. This is the right move for us in so many ways, even if it seems impossible at first.
Last night, we had this conversation. My husband and I are in a really good place right now, but I know that we might be challenged soon. He knows me well enough to know that the solution for a potential rocky period is to just keep being there, keep showing up, and loving me….even when I’m pushing him away.
I’m more than a little afraid of what’s to come. Going that first night without alcohol is a beast that I haven’t been able to take on in years..despite active efforts to do so. I’m scared of withdrawals, I’m scared of the insomnia, I’m scared of the nightmares… I’m trying to significantly decrease the amount that I’m drinking from now, but I still have work to do.
This isn’t going to be easy by any means. But I know we will get through it…and the pain will be temporary. The physiological changes will be intense…but temporary.
I will be okay. We will be okay.
As long as he loves me though it…