Okay, guys. Real talk for a minute here.
I don’t fucking understand CBT. Like, I straight up, just do not get it. It frustrates me, it feels like something I already do naturally and on my on a continuous, daily basis, and I don’t see how it could ever help me and my very large, very serious problems.
Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try, or I don’t want to give it a chance. I do.
When it comes to therapy, and life in general, I feel like I’ve pretty much become the queen of failure.
EMDR? Tried it. Multiple times. My brain has put up seemingly insurmountable barriers every time, and it just does not go well. I’m still determined to make it work, but my therapist wants to wait a while before trying again.
Working on attachment? Well…lets just say…I’m still working on it. And still massively messed up in that area.
Internal script or dialogue or whatever? Yeah, it still tells me I’m a massive fuck up and loser and everything terrible. So, that’s not great either.
I’ve been with my therapist for over 6 years now, and she’s honestly a miracle worker for putting up with me and keeping me alive this long. We’ve had a lot of tension over the past few weeks, and a good amount of that is probably on me.
While I’m not trying to, I’ve been unintentionally putting up barriers and being resistive and dismissive to the majority of the things she’s suggested of tried with me. Again, it’s very unintentional, and I’m not trying to be that way, but I can recognize that it is happening. And that would make anyone frustrated, I’m sure.
So, back to my point.
How the FUCK do I get good at it, when I feel like I live my life in an already constant state of anxiety produced thought adjustment?
That person did a thing weirdly. They must hate me. Shit, I fucked something up. (No, no, brain. It probably has nothing to do with you, chill the fuck out.)
Stuff like that goes through my head on repeat. It’s essentially become survival mode for me, catastrophizing everything and then trying to rationalize it and convince myself it isn’t really like that. It’s like the emergency response system for my brain.
While I seem to do this to a certain degree naturally, when it comes to therapy, and when she asks me to “challenge my thoughts”, I do become frustrated, and my immediate response is usually “I don’t know”, even though I often do have an answer that’s probably acceptable.
I’ve said I’m going to stop with the initial and immediate response of “I don’t know”, and I plan to. But then what? What happens next?
Okay, so I want to die, I “challenge the thought” or whatever…but seriously, then what? I don’t feel better, It feels like I’m lying to myself, and then I feel like I’m doing it wrong.
And, on top of that, to make it even more complicated, not every thought is supposed to be challenged! It’s not an all or nothing approach. Apparently, the ones that are valid or make sense or whatever, you’re supposed to leave alone. The only problem with that is, how the heck do I know the difference?!
If I live my life in a CONSTANT state of minimizing and trying to reason with myself in this way, how am I now supposed to then ascertain the thoughts that I DON’T challenge?
See, this is where my problem is. I’m overthinking and overcomplicating something that I’m relatively sure is supposed to be a simple process. Classic me.
Guys, PLEASE help me with this. Flood me with comments, ideas, suggestions, books, shows, movies…anything to help me figure this out. I want to feel better, I want therapy to go better…
I want to stop being how I am. It hurts that I’m doing this shitty of a job at something that I don’t think is supposed to be very difficult. And it hurts that I’m fucking up my therapy relationship because of it, when I have such a genuine desire to do better.
So, hit me with it. All of it. Help me fixed my fucked up brain. Maybe you know something that I don’t. At this point, I’ll do anything and try anything to do better.