Tonight, as I was putting my kids to bed, I read them a new book I got them. It was mostly for my 5 year old, but I knew my 3 year old would enjoy it too.
It’s called My Whirling, Twirling Motor, by Merriam Sarcia.
It’s about a boy with ADHD who is struggling to be still and to listen, much like my own 5 year old is struggling with. Kids books always get me, I don’t know what is is about them, but damn. Sometimes the sentiment just hits me where it hurts.
Tonight was different, though. Usually, I can pull myself together and make it through the book without an issue. But reading this book tonight for the first time…I had to make up a reason to leave the room to collect myself halfway through.
In the book, the little boy thinks that he is going to get in trouble once again for his behaviors associated with ADHD. But instead, his mom goes into his room at bedtime to give him a list of all the reasons he’s wonderful, of all the things that he did well at that day.
And at that point, I just lost it. It was really another glamorous mom moment this week, guys. I seem to be having a lot of them lately.
Today was a particularly challenging day, and I found myself getting frustrated more than I was encouraging. I was short and not as patient as I could have been.
My kids are challenging, as all kids are. Some days are harder than others, and we seem to be in a difficult phase right now that I’m struggling to see through sometimes.
But, even though my son has his own whirling twirling motor that makes him impulsive and hard for him to listen, he is still wonderful. And he still deserves the best parts of me, even when I’m frustrated.
Sometimes, I forget to slow down and make my own lists of positives, and I can get caught up in the negatives. I think it’s so easy for so many of us to do that. We get sucked into the negative and the tension that we forget to just slow down and break it all apart, look at all of the smaller parts that make up a day.
Yes, today was hard. It started out rough, and I let it get the best of me. I held a grudge when I should have let it go.
But my son did his best, and he is still wonderful. He is kind, he is loving, he is forgiving, and he is gentle. I wish I didn’t feel like I failed him so often, I wish I felt like they both deserved me.
Even though the book is done and my kids are in bed, I’m still unreasonably emotional about this. I don’t ever want my son to question his worth, or question that he is loved. I know that feeling, and it’s pretty shitty.
I’m struggling a lot right now, and I know its impacting the way I think and the way I react sometimes. I’m sorry for that.
But, just like my son is, I’m trying my best. I really am. And I hope that somebody, anybody, could see how hard I’m working just to hold on, just to survive, and think something good about me, too.