Yes, anybody at all. The ones I know and the ones that I don’t. The ones I’ve pushed away, and the ones I secretly hold the closest to my heart.
Despite my words of opposition and my actions that make no sense, I need you. Desperately so. I don’t know what it is about my brain, but it has me convinced that I’m alone in this world. That everyone I need really has one foot out the door, just waiting for the right moment to walk away and slam it shut, leaving me in the dark.
I feel so unsteady and uncertain lately. I feel alone, worthless, and broken. Too broken to ever be whole again. I want to be whole, I want to be okay, but I often feel too shattered, put back together with shitty cheap tape, when what I really need is surgical like precision and suturing. A gentle hand with firm guidance.
Whoever you are reading this…whether I know you, or only know you through a screen, know you have worth. You have importance to me.
Maybe the reason I feel like everyone in my life has one foot out the door is because really, it’s me that has 1 foot out the door. Half in, half out, wanting to live but accepting of death.
It can be hard to imagine someone is all in with me, when I’m not all in myself.
But even if I’m not all in myself, I can’t imagine ever getting through it all on my own. I need you, even if I don’t tell you.
Even if it seems like I don’t.