Self sabotage is the name of the game, isn’t it? It’s been the topic of conversation in therapy for a while now, and it’s something I do pretty automatically.
Self sabotage is basically when you undermine your own success. You get in your own way, and you create your own obstacles.
Eating a slice of cake when you’re trying to lose weight, procrastinating, spending more money than you have to spend, drinking too much, avoidance…things like that.
I have been self sabotaging myself in one way or another for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why I do it, and I honestly don’t even know all of the ways in which I do it. One of the things we’re working on in therapy right now is bringing more self awareness to when and how I self sabotage and making it more of a conscious thing.
“You can’t change what you don’t know you’re doing” or something like that.
Probably not being, or not wanting to be aware, of all the ways I self sabotage, is a way of self sabotaging on its own. I’d rather stick my head in the sand, I’d rather not know all of the ways I’m a terrible person…I guess I just want things to be magically all better. But I know that’s not how this works.
I want to do the work, but sometimes I get frustrated if I don’t know exactly how to. And guess what I do then…I self sabotage. I don’t want to fail, I especially don’t want to fail when I’m really, really trying…so I put obstacles in my way and I guess I make sure that I cause myself to fail. Because that would be better than if I had tried and failed anyway. At least then, I can blame myself.
I know it doesn’t make sense, I guess it rarely does. But I’m going to spend the next few days trying to be more aware of it and more conscious of it.
Like I said, I think I really don’t even know all of they ways that I do sabotage myself, but I know the list is plentiful.
I don’t like failing. I don’t like being bad at things. But I guess, in some ways, it’s easier to cause myself to fail, rather than just failing after putting in a true and genuine effort.
One step at a time. Step one, becoming more aware of it. Ugh. Easier said than done, perhaps.