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A rare “day off”

Ah, Friday. The only day of the week that my kids don’t have any therapies, and I have no schedule to keep but my own.

Usually, I hate Fridays. I hate being stuck in the house with no where to go and my dads judging eyes and comments about any little thing I do. But, he is still away on vacation until later tonight, so today, it truly feels like a day off.

No one to tell me I’m doing a bad job, telling me to do more, to do less….there’s nothing I can do that would be good enough in his eyes. He loves his grandkids so, so much, more than he ever loved me. But he doesn’t see how the conflict and anxiety of his presence is doing my boys more harm than good, as all it does is add tension. And that tension is what really does cause me to be a worse version of myself.

When he isn’t here, I feel so much more free. I’m more relaxed, I play with my kids more willingly and honestly, I don’t feel guilty about resting when I need to, I don’t feel worried about disciplining my kids (according to him, they can do no wrong and need no discipline. I’m sorry…but all 3 and 5 year olds need discipline sometimes…), it’s just easier.

While I am upset about not having my own therapy this morning, I’m comforted by the fact that it would have been difficult for me to get there anyway with no childcare (the only real perk to sharing a house with my parents).

It’s been a busy week with a LOT of appointments. I didn’t realize just have many appointments having a high risk pregnancy would entail. Just this week alone I’ve seen my regular OB and the high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor, had 2 ultrasounds, and an amniocentesis. It’s been a lot.

It’s been a lot easier managing my own mental health this week with my parents gone. My husband has been noticeably less stressed as well. It’s just…constantly being judged, never being good enough, (despite actually doing a good job)…it’s exhausting. It wears me down in the worst way. And it hurts. I just wish the situation was different, but our reality is that we have 2 (maybe 3) children with a severe (expensive) genetic disorder. And that has made us utilize our finances in ways we’d prefer not to. Like medical bills.

Of course no day is really ever a day off when you’re a stay at home mom, but the idea that we don’t have to go anywhere at any certain time is certainly freeing. In reality, the day will be filled with laundry and cleaning.

But I won’t feel guilty for resting when I need to. I won’t feel guilty for taking care of my needs and my kids needs in a way that I see fit. I won’t feel judged, or not good enough. And I won’t feel on edge all day long, waiting for the negative comments to come about me.

Instead, we’ll just enjoy the day as much as we can, and have picnics outside (before it hits a million degrees out).

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