Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

When you wake up with nothing left to give.

Do you ever just wake up, and feel like you’ve just got nothing in you to offer the day? That’s how I feel today. I woke up just completely on empty, nothing in the tank.

My legs are more swollen than usual, everything hurts, and I just…I just don’t have it today. But no matter how badly I’m feeling, the day doesn’t stop. The shit that needs to get done doesn’t stop.

I wish, just for a minute…just for a day, that it could all stop. But I never truly get that. You know, that break, that reprieve from the world…that inner peace and stillness.

Because of how I feel, and the fact that I feel like my own needs aren’t being met, I noticed that I’m starting to feel resentful about it. I’m resentful and upset with my husband for not doing more, for not meeting my needs before they get to this point, and for not just…making me feel better. For not saving me from this.

How I feel towards him right now isn’t fair, I know that. This isn’t his fault, and he is trying his best. But I am exhausted, and I want to be a little bit selfish right now. I want him to just stay home from work and deal with the kids – just for 1 day – so I can take a freaking break. But he doesn’t have any more PTO until August, and he doesn’t want to get in trouble at work. He’s kind of the boss. So I get it.

But I’m still not happy about it. It’s not easy being pregnant in general, and it’s even harder when you have a body that’s designed to fail you. So the exhaustion is just…it’s wearing on me. And on top of that, my 5 year old is having his own tough day and requiring extra care and needing his wheelchair today. So, it’s just a whole lot today already.

My husband doesn’t deserve my resentment towards him. He is quite literally trying his best. He wants, and tries, to make his family as happy as possible, and I know he’s under a lot of pressure too.

Just now, he brings me half of his breakfast that he made for himself because he knows I’m too grumpy to want to eat, even though I’m hungry.

I feel bad talking about this, I really do. But if the big headline of the day has become “yay, I had enough in me to take a shower today”…if that’s the bar, than something really needs to change.

I mean, is it so much to ask for to just grow this damn child in some peace and relaxation?!

I’m kidding. I didn’t sign up for an easy path when I wanted to get pregnant again, I know that. But still. I didn’t think it would feel quite like this.

Maybe my 3 year old will take a 2 hour nap and I can lay down and rest while my 5 year old has a snack and watches Bluey. (Or will it be Curious George today?)

I just feel like I want to give up, I want to quit. I wish I could be self destructive and fall apart…but I can’t. I have to be the one that holds it together for everyone else.

But today? I just don’t have it in me to do so.

Exit mobile version