It’s not his job to keep me sober. It’s not his job to make me happy. And it isn’t his job to make me okay again.
There’s a little boy, he’s 6 days old now. And I love him more than anything. Not more than his brothers, but just as much.
This little boy has kept me sober for 9 months. He kept me healthy, accountable, and reliable. I stayed sober because I wanted to. Because even though life was hard, and it certainly never got any easier, he was my priority.
I chose him. I wanted him. He didn’t ask to be created, so why would I do a single thing to harm him when it was my choice to bring him here in the first place?
Being sober while pregnant was never the issue. I always knew that I would succeed at that, because I have 3 other times previously.
But postpartum…once they’re actually here…historically, that’s when all hell breaks loose.
And with my anxiety being as significant as it is right now…it’s honestly been hard to manage without it.
For 9 months, the answer has been simple. I share a body with him. What I consume, he consumes. No drinking, no pills. Simple.
But now? Now, it’s less simple. I’m breastfeeding, so there certainly is still some truth there. And right now, he eats very frequently. What I consume, he consumes. So I’m still not drinking.
The other night, he slept for a 5 hour stretch at night. (This is fine, his weight gain has been good so the doctor said he is allowed to go that long without eating at night.) And if my excuse has been I can’t drink because he’s eating every 2 hours…and suddenly I’ve got longer stretches? That’s another excuse I can’t use.
Right now, frankly, I’m too tired to drink. I don’t want to because I’m already exhausted, and feeding him is a much higher priority. Right now, he’s tiny, and he needs me. He remains my “excuse”.
But those excuses won’t last forever. And last night was an example of that. Those longer sleep stretches, whenever they come (I’m not expecting that to be a normal event yet), will allow me to sleep longer, and go longer between needing to feed him at night.
It isn’t his job to keep me sober. But I love him enough to want to do it anyway.
Right now, he is enough. They will always be enough. But sobriety is hard. And sometimes, I need a little extra.
He is my extra. It isn’t his job, but I’m happy he’s here.
And I’m happy that I’ve made it 6 days. For as long as he needs me, as long as he requires…I will do right by him.
He is worth it.