My mental health is currently….well, it’s concerningly bad.
Lately, it seems that the majority of my nights are spent thinking of, wishing of death. Life has become too hard, too consuming. I no longer see an option of peace within my days, so I’m looking for calmness in other options.
I don’t see death as a reward. I see it as an escape. But it’s an escape that holds the potential for what I’m seeking…peace and stillness. I wish so incredibly desperately to find that amongst the living….but lately I’m questioning that.
The way my life is right now, there is exactly 0 time for me to rest or recover or recuperate.
I’m so incredibly grateful for the lives in which I’ve been entrusted. But DAMN am I exhausted. I am constantly on 24/7. And that has drained me.
I’ve been opening up more about the realities of my drinking, and while it does kind of feel like a weight lifted off of me to have a person that I’m honest with about it, the truth of what’s really going on is kind of crushing me.
I don’t really have a lot to say today other than that. The road I’m on is leading me straight to my own personal hell. My nights are definitely not in my control any longer, and things have gone from bad to worse very quickly.
But I’m working on it. I’m going to keep working on it. I know the best thing I can do is to be honest with the people in my life that are there to support me, and to be honest with myself. Even when I’m writing, sometimes I hold back.
But I hate where I am and I hate how I feel. So I know I need to do better.
Honesty feels like a good start.
In the words of my best friend, my kids deserve me at my best even when they’re sleeping. And that’s very true. She’s right. And I know I need to do better.
I don’t want to lose this battle, but it is getting a little exhausting.