I don’t feel like myself lately. Or, maybe, more accurately…I feel like a version of myself that I really, really hate.
I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everyone lately. I feel disconnected from my husband, I’m not feeling that close, loving connection that I always desperately long for…and I’m feeling the same way with my best friend. Like…something is just off. She’s saying all the right things, she’s saying there’s nothing wrong…but I just have a weird feeling.
Yes, I initially pulled back, but I feel like even when I try to talk more now…ugh. I don’t know. I just need to get over it. It’s not a big deal and I don’t need people, so it’s okay.
I have been connecting a lot more with people I know through blogging…and that’s been so amazing. Having this outlet here, writing and connecting with so many people within this community, it’s definitely been my saving grace over the past few years. And I’m grateful that I have that.
I think part of the problem is that I am SO exhausted. Like, I’m pretty much passed out for the night by 9:30 now. When usually, it’s more like oh, it’s 11pm, I guess I should go to sleep now. So I feel like I’m missing out on important time and hours spent with my husband. But it’s like, no matter how much sleep I get, it’s just not enough.
This exhaustion is the part that doesn’t feel like me. It’s unfamiliar, and I really hate it. I’m not drinking more at night, usually when I fall asleep early like that, I end up drinking less. So I don’t think that alcohol is the issue. But it also seems like the alcohol is hitting me harder, and like I’m feeling it differently.
I don’t know, I’m really just feeling off. I don’t know why I’m so tired, I don’t know why I feel so distant from everyone, and I don’t know why my thoughts feel a lot darker lately.
It’s like I feel like I’m not fully present. Like I’m floating above my body. My body is here but it feels like my head is in space.
Shit. I feel really off today.
Ok. Today is about survival and being kind to myself. I’ll get through this, whatever it is.