Tonight has started out like all the other nights in the past where I ended up almost killing myself, or drinking so much that it nearly ended in tragedy.
I’m in a fragile place right now.
My husband and I have NOT always been on solid ground. Probably 3ish years ago, things were horrible and bad, and it took an incredible amount of work from both of us to get to the place where we are now…which is (usually) strong and stable and awesome.
But tonight, we got in a small fight, and it escalated very quickly when he did some of the things that he used to do when things were at their worst a few years ago. (Shutting down, threatening to leave/walking out in anger…) just things from the past that ALWAYS made things worse.
I’m feeling triggered, scared (not of him, of my own feelings) and it’s exactly this kind of night, these kind of feelings, that lead to something catastrophic happening.
When I drink out of INTENSE anxiety, it comes from a place of pure desperation. Like, I need this feeling to leave my body before my head literally implodes and pours out of my ears. It’s like this fear. It’s anxiety, but it’s also fear.
I fall apart when the relationships in my life are not 100% rock solid and stable. It’s just that simple.
If I’m not careful tonight, it will end badly. The way I’m feeling now is not good. It’s scary and lonely and….
I’ve said this a million times. When the relationships in my life are stable, everything is good. The second my close relationships start to crumble…I fucking fall apart. My marriage being anything less than stable is enough for me to hit the eject button on my life. I can’t do it. I can’t go through it again.
I just want things to be better. I’m literally so traumatized from that period of my life, and I just can’t. (It was never abusive, he never hit me or anything like that, but it was hard and not okay nonetheless.)
I’m not okay tonight. I had one drink, pretty much just a shot, that I had in the moment maybe an hour ago because I so desperately needed to silent the screaming anxiety.
But once I start actually drinking tonight…
Tonight will either get better or worse. Significantly worse. If I don’t feel the love I need, if I feel like things are still not okay…the extent to which I will probably self medicate is deadly. It won’t be on purpose. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to be careful tonight.
It’s not his job to make me feel better. Except maybe it should be, because he is at least responsible for his actions that led to how I’m feeling.
It’s fine. It will be fine.
I want things to be better. And that’s my own issue. I need conflict to be resolved IMMEDIATELY. And he is 100% the opposite. He needs time and space. And while he’s getting that time, I’m spiraling.
It will be fine. And if it’s not, than it’s not.