How I’ve been feeling these last few days…these last few weeks even…. It’s not okay. I feel like shit. Physically, I’m in the worst flare up I’ve been in in a long time. I can’t sleep both because of the extra levels of pain, and the additional nightmares. Despite my husband working what seems like […]
Running out of fight Read More »
Tonight has been one trigger after another, after another. It doesn’t matter what the fuck the cause was. Or the result, or the aftermath. Or even the aftermath of the aftermath. Because it was all wrong. And it was all fucked up. Be it the events of the week (my appointment with my neuromuscular doc
I feel like I’m in a helpless battle right now. A fight that I cannot win. And despite my own best efforts and incredible fight against these demons, I’m not coming out on top. Fear is winning. Insecurity is winning. Addiction is winning. I don’t know exactly what the most defining shift was, but I
My world feels like nothing right now. Yet, it feels impossibly heavy all at the same time. And that’s something that has always confused me. How can something be so nothing, and yet so damn everything all at once? How can it mean so much to me, and at the same time…so nothing to the
Why do I feel so nothing? Read More »
They’re ahead of us, they say. Better days are ahead of us. But what if they’re not? What if they’re behind us? What if the better days really are behind us? Behind me? Hopeless. Is that what that means? I’m climbing the never ending staircase. I’m trying to get up the impossibly steep mountain I’m
Me – hey guys, I’m feeling pretty down and vulnerable lately. I’ve taken a lot of hits, and my depression seems to be really big right now. What would really help to make it feel smaller is a lot of love and support. A pat on the head. Maybe a hug. Or possibly some coffee
Me vs. the Universe Read More »
I don’t have depression right now…I am depression. That’s how it feels. Like, this isn’t something that I have. Or that I’m currently feeling. It’s just what I am. I am blah. And dead inside. I have nothing to me anymore. No emotions. No good ones anyway. There’s nothing that sparks joy. Eating makes me
If you can imagine needing something sooo fucking badly. Just, with all of your body and soul and existence, needing something. Something to go well, something tangible, a feeling or an action….whatever it is that you need. And you have hopes. Not high ones….but….hope nonetheless. Well, that’s how I was feeling yesterday. With every ounce
This is how the story ends Read More »
I can’t even describe the shit show that yesterday turned into in ways that would make any kind of sense. Lack of communication was the root of it. Because it always is. Blood, anxiety and panic, and loneliness. That was the result. A lot of it. A lot of all of it. I feel like
Fake it until you can’t, and then completely shut down. At least, that’s what I did in therapy last night. I showed up, talked about everything that had nothing to do with anything serious…and then the moment my brain was forced to focus on all the bad I’m trying so hard to shove down? That
Dear brain, please cooperate with me Read More »
