I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, to be honest, you probably haven’t…but depression is kicking my fucking ass lately.
I’ve tried to mask it, tried to downplay it and ignore it…but it’s just so big right now.
Tonight sucks. For what seems like “no reason in particular”…I am having a really hard night. It’s been building up for a while, and now it’s just impossible to ignore.
I was 20 minutes late making my first drink tonight. Normally, I make a drink at 7:30 on the dot and it’s a miracle I was able to make it that long.
But tonight, I was literally too depressed to get out of my bed to pour it, despite the fact that my husband had gone so far as to even get me a glass and put some ice in it.
Wanting something, but just…not quite being able to get there.
I think there’s a part of me, a REALLY big part of me, that knows mixing alcohol into the equation of how I’m currently feeling is an incredibly dangerous combination.
There’s another part of me that really doesn’t care anymore.
I’m struggling to get through this post, but that’s just it too.
I am struggling.
I don’t feel like how I should right now, and I just really want to give up.
This is such an overwhelmingly bad feeling.
Seriously. I don’t have the words to explain it.
But it’s bad enough to simply want to die.
It’s now after 9pm. I haven’t said a productive word to my husband in a while, and I’m sitting here silently holding back the tears.
Seriously, why? What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why do I have to feel like this?
Why am I so broken?