The holidays are hard. Well, for some of us, anyway.
For me, they’re quite hard.
Thanksgiving is associated with a lot of trauma for me.
It was the beginning of what would become…another version of hell for me. Growing up the way I did, in a household full of abuse and fear and trauma…I craved love and attention and…anything. From anyone who would give it to me. Negative or positive. Just…something.
I suffered from abuse every single day at home. At the hands of my sister.
And I turned the wrong way, into a person who I thought loved me…but very clearly didn’t.
I let him use me. And I didn’t care. Because he was paying attention to me.
Little did I know, that relationship was quite abusive in its own right.
And not one that I’ve ever entirely gotten over.
I suffer from depression. And anxiety. And CPTSD, and oh so much more. But it all comes from that.
Trauma. My life is, and always has been, trauma.
The holidays are hard.
They always have been…they always will be.
But I showed up. I showed up for my kids, for my husband…for my family.
If nothing else, the introvert in me alone is enough to hate the holidays.
But, to be honest, as far as Thanksgivings go…this one wasn’t the worst.
My sister wasn’t here…a miracle in its own right.
Company came about 2 hours late…and only stayed a few hours after.
My kids were…about as well behaved as I could’ve hoped. For them.
The holidays are hard.
It was hard seeing a picture of my birth son and his family…all while still not having heard back from them.
It was hard that they didn’t text me, and wish us a happy Thanksgiving. It’s not a constant on this holiday, but occasionally, over the years, we’ve texted each other. Not this year.
It was hard because I haven’t slept in days. I’m not sick…except that at night, at 3am…I have these insane coughing fits that keep me up the rest of the night. And my husband has not admitted that he’s concerned that my genetic disorder is killing me.
It was hard because…things are hard right now.
My past aside…whatever trauma existed in my life…it’s still scary now. The future is scary.
Will this be the last year things are “normal”? Where all my (parented) kids are here and healthy and alive?
I did my best today.
And I know you did too.
If today was hard for you…I see you.
It was hard for me too.
And I did my best.