When I woke up this morning, I was expecting it to be a normal day. A normal Sunday. And for the most part…it was. Except for the parts that weren’t.
One of my first thoughts upon awakening was “oh shit, it’s Father’s Day”. We woke up later than normal, 6:24am rather than 6:00am. That meant no time for coffee. No time to wake up without the chaos of kids. No time to ease into the day. And I am NOT an individual that you want to look at, be around, or exist next to before I’ve gotten coffee.
I didn’t say happy Father’s Day to my husband who really doesn’t care about the day one way or another, like I normally otherwise immediately would have.
It was very unlike me, and I wondered why the words were so hard to produce this morning. I thought maybe it was the lack of coffee and the stress of waking up late.
We had planned on going to the movies this morning to go see Inside Out 2. A movie I was very much looking forward to seeing, and booked tickets for weeks ago. In full honesty, we planned on going yesterday, but I just couldn’t do it. So I rebooked it for today.
We watched some of the first one with the kids this morning before we left. It was then that I realized just how on edge I was to my own emotions spilling out of me. And I had to leave the room many times to avoid just completely bursting open.
I kind of knew then that I was in for deep shit going in to see this movie.
I wasn’t wrong. And I was kind of a mess.
Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely amazing….but in all the hardest ways for a person who’s brain is on fire and bleeding out of their ears all at the same time.
It was relatable. But…too relatable.
I’m working on a post with my full review of it, because I think my (anyone’s) perspective on it is important. But I’m absolutely too depleted to finish that today. Don’t worry, I took notes.
After the movie, I held it together, and we went to Joann’s to buy more yarn because even though it’s Father’s Day, my husband supports my insanity and addiction to crafting. (And they had an awesome sale this weekend.)
On the car ride home, I told my husband that I felt like someone sprinkled Xanax on the salad I had during the movie. I just completely crashed. I literally felt drugged. My body was in shutdown mode. I wasn’t driving the ship anymore. And we were headed off course quickly.
When I got home, I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do kids. Or noise. Or effort. I told my husband I needed a minute, which was fine, and I took it. And I fell asleep while he cooked waffles with the kids.
I woke up not feeling better emotionally. Physically, I felt less “drugged”…but I was still on edge. On high alert. Felt just….ahHhHHHhhhH if you know what I mean.
It took me most of the entire day to piece together what the actual fuck is wrong with me today. And there are a few things.
It’s Father’s Day. A day that just holds trauma for me, as a birth mom, as a person who is living a life with another couple raising her firstborn child. The anxiety of it. Should I text them? Should I wish them a happy Father’s Day? Do they even want to hear from me?
It’s just….harder than I want it to be. And every year is the same. These hard feelings…they haven’t gone anywhere.
For my husband. His first Father’s Day since his dad died a few months ago. Something neither of us really knew how to acknowledge.
And for me, aside from whatever day on the calendar it happens to be…I’m going through a lot right now.
Emotionally, I’m completely drained. This depression is absolutely out of control bad, and I just feel so completely hopeless.
Then watching this movie. It put all of the visuals in place for how my own brain is working. And while I already knew every single message they were getting across, all the terms, all the emotions…it just hit. It hit hard. And it took me out.
These are the wounds of trauma. A hard day for both of us. In ways neither of us could talk about or make sense of. Until we had to.
As the day ends on an impossibly emotional day, I’m left with a headache that nothing seems to be touching, a racing mind, and an uneasy heart.
Whoever is running my control panel in my head really needs to get it together. Maybe let Joy give it a shot?