If I knew how much this was going to physically hurt, I wouldn’t have done it.
The headache has been unrelenting. I can’t sleep, except for during the day, when all I want to do is sleep. Everything inside of my body feels wrong. And it hurts.
I didn’t expect sobriety to be easy…but I didn’t expect the pain to still be so severe.
It’s been 6 days since I started this. March 19th. It got so bad over the weekend that even my husband got concerned, and we both agreed that I should have a small amount of alcohol (1.5oz) just to ease the withdrawal symptoms. I don’t count that as drinking in terms of sobriety, because the intent behind it truly wasn’t to drink. It was to…not die.
It helped that night, I felt better physically. And no, I did not drink any more than that.
But despite it helping in the moment with the withdrawal symptoms, I think all that did was reset the clock. I didn’t know it at the time, but apparently it triggered my brain into thinking more alcohol was coming, like it usually does, and the withdrawals have been worse since then.
I thought the first few nights would be the worst. I didn’t know it lasted 5, 6, 7 or more days.
I’ve never gotten this far. I’ve never had more than a night or two intentionally sober.
I almost want to give up. The cravings really aren’t the issue. Not yet. Not in this moment. And not at 5:30 pm, earlier than I typically drink.
No.
The thing that’s making me want to give up is the pain.
My body hates me. It’s been 15 years of this. Of drinking every single day (aside from pregnancies, and can I please stop having to write that, can it just be assumed?) in amounts that are kind of ridiculous.
I feel like I’m paying for all 15 years of it right now.
Medicine doesn’t help. Sleep doesn’t help. Massaging my unhealthily, but normal for me, tight muscles in my back and neck doesn’t help.
Nothing. Helps.
I didn’t think it would be easy. But I definitely thought it would be easier.
I’m fighting the fight.
But honestly, just barely.
Oh, and I did buy another goat last night. We pick him up Wednesday. He’s currently my will to live. I haven’t had any babies since April of last year. So…his presence will help. He’s the one breed I didn’t get last year that I wanted to complete my heard…a male lamancha. So when I saw him last night, I jumped on it. My best friend named him Odin. It fits surprisingly well, and I love it.
I guess he’s my sobriety gift from the world. If I make it through this part of it, anyway. But I’m not going to lie. The pain makes me want to give up.
I want to be stronger than this…I’m stronger than anything I’ve ever come up against. But this…yeah. I didn’t expect it.
I just wish someone would’ve told me.
Maybe it’s not usually like this. Maybe it’s not usually this bad, for this long.
And maybe it’s just my own fault, for putting myself in this position in the first place.
I guess I should’ve tapered down more. But I honestly don’t even know if that would’ve helped at this point.