When it rains it pours here. And oh, is that exactly what it’s doing. My post on Thursday detailed my own semi medical emergency that I was going through, and just as I had FINALLY agreed to go to the ER to be seen on Friday…guess what happens? I get a call from my son’s […]
April showers? More like constant storms! Read More »
If I knew how much this was going to physically hurt, I wouldn’t have done it. The headache has been unrelenting. I can’t sleep, except for during the day, when all I want to do is sleep. Everything inside of my body feels wrong. And it hurts. I didn’t expect sobriety to be easy…but I
Harder than I thought Read More »
My world feels like nothing right now. Yet, it feels impossibly heavy all at the same time. And that’s something that has always confused me. How can something be so nothing, and yet so damn everything all at once? How can it mean so much to me, and at the same time…so nothing to the
Why do I feel so nothing? Read More »
Oh, Monday. You already know how I feel about you. This Monday is a little different because it’s the start of the last full week of summer here. School starts up again next Wednesday and we’ll be thrown right back into the school routine. This time with 2 kids, as my 5 year old will
When you run for long enough, I guess eventually…you just get tired. Too tired to run anymore. Too tired to fight. Today I feel just absolutely awful. I don’t want anything, nothing feels good….it all just feels…bad. I don’t want to run anymore. I’m not even running from anything other than the thoughts in my
What do you do when each day, you wonder if it might be your last? Things aren’t going great around here. I’m all kinds of fucked up, and I’m all kinds of shut down. I have 2 kinds of depression, or crisis mode, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. One where I
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to feel. Like I haven’t earned the right to be upset, or grieve or feel loss or pain or hurt. I always feel like my pain isn’t valid. Or that it isn’t big enough or real enough, or anything like that. I always look for others to validate
The validity of pain Read More »
I’m can’t win, therefore I lose. Everything is twisted and dirty and cold. I want to drink it away. Nothing makes sense without the promise of alcohol. I quit. I give up. Universe, you win. The knowledge of the future is clear: but if drink this drink I might forget it. I’ll wake up and
I reject the pain. I reject the past, and the promise of the pain that the future holds. I don’t want any of this. I’m not even sure what I do want…but I sure do know what I don’t want. Pain. What does that even mean? Can it be more than just subjective? Could anyone
The misunderstanding of pain Read More »
Oh, alcohol. Tonight, the lies of your allure pulls me deeper. You’re the voice I hear in my head. The one that tells me more is better. That more will help. More will heal, will help us forget. I know you’re full of shit. I know that one more drink, and I’ll wake up feeling
The lies alcohol tells you Read More »
