How I’ve been feeling these last few days…these last few weeks even…. It’s not okay. I feel like shit. Physically, I’m in the worst flare up I’ve been in in a long time. I can’t sleep both because of the extra levels of pain, and the additional nightmares. Despite my husband working what seems like […]
Running out of fight Read More »
If I knew how much this was going to physically hurt, I wouldn’t have done it. The headache has been unrelenting. I can’t sleep, except for during the day, when all I want to do is sleep. Everything inside of my body feels wrong. And it hurts. I didn’t expect sobriety to be easy…but I
Harder than I thought Read More »
Here we are at night number…1? Still zero? Two? I honestly don’t know. Last night I decided to take a small, tiny, half of a step to really try getting sober. Again. So I drank half of my usual amount, despite knowing how much it would suck for me. And oh, how it sucked. After
Small steps are still steps Read More »
Here we are. Another day zero. Must be the millionth one. I wasn’t trying today, not in any significant way. But I have been trying for months now. It just feels so unreasonably unattainable. Like, no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try…I will fail. Tonight was a start. Maybe my first
Day 0, but a recommitment. Read More »
This is a hard season, I’m not going to lie. My mind has been messy for a minute now, the trauma of the past year, and really all of it in general, is catching up to me. I’ve been holding on, fighting a winless fight for a long time now. This time of year isn’t
Losing battles, winning wars Read More »
Lately, the hurt hurts. And it hurts really fucking badly. I feel like I don’t have even the most fleeting of moments to catch my breath. To catch up. To…..nullify or lessen even an ounce of the hurt. The days are so long, and the nights have felt even longer. Nightmare, after nightmare, after nightmare.
I just need a second Read More »
My lovely brain is such a beautiful mess. A creative, captivating space, craving to be engaged, longing for meaning, connection…substance. Substance in the form of something meaningful. Something that means something. More than the surface level interaction. A way to connect. A way to engage. Connect my messy but uniquely beautiful brain waves to yours.
The path to connection Read More »
Last night was quite a different night than I feel like I’ve had in months. For the first time I think since literally September…I didn’t want to drink last night. I made one drink, drank it slower than usual, and just really had no desire for any more. So I didn’t have more. We went
Are the tides turning? Read More »
While nightmares have always been a hugely unfortunate part of my sleeping journey, sometimes they are worse and more frequent than others. Lately, the nightmares have been consuming a large part of my mental space. And last night, they were worse than ever. In a good dreamed turned awful, my birth son was there. He
The nightmares of trauma Read More »
I swear. Every time I think I’m up on some kind of success. Every time I string a couple of good days together. It doesn’t last too long…but a whole lot longer than I ever thought I’d be capable of achieving. And I should be proud of those moments. Of that string of hours. Or
