Sometimes I just don’t know what to say. On occasion I feel heavy, I feel sad and I just feel withdrawn, but I just don’t know what to say about it, or how to.
I usually do have the words, I’m pretty well versed in understanding myself and understand where what I’m feeling stems from, but sometimes my brain puts up barriers to protect me from seeing what’s really going on.
It’s similar to writers block in a sense, and usually my writing does in fact take a hit when I’m going through something like that.
Today feels like that. I’m feeling withdrawn and just sad, but I don’t have the words behind it. I don’t know what to say.
I have therapy in a little while, a 2 hour session. Usually, I look so forward to these. There is so much hope and meaning behind them, but tonight feels different.
I just feel off. I don’t know what to talk about, or even how to talk. And then what’s even more ridiculous is the fact that this will give me anxiety. The feeling of “wasting” a session because I don’t know what will happen going into it, that anxiety will then create the exact problem that I’m anxious about in the first place. It’s a cycle I face often.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say, I get anxiety about it, and then anxiety prevents me even further from getting to where I want to be. Ugh. It’s very frustrating.
I want tonight to go well. I want to find the words. It’s frustrating to feel so much, and just not even know how to talk about it.
Maybe that could be the goal of therapy tonight, working through this exact problem. If I go to therapy without a plan, I tend to get anxious and accomplish nothing.
Right now my biggest struggle is in trying to find my voice and my strength. It’s hard talking about all of this. It’s hard feeling it and trying to face it all. I hope tonight goes better than I’m giving myself credit for, but we’ll see.
As always, writing helped just a little. At least I have some sort of idea about what I could say.