I don’t know why I so often downplay things. I try to act like things are better than they are, that I feel better than I really do…that I’m okay. But more often than not, I’m not so okay. I don’t know why I, and I think a lot of us, feel the need to downplay or hide what we feel.
Personally, I’m not doing it for my benefit. It doesn’t benefit me to hold back my truth. If anything, it feels like an attempt to “protect” the other person from me. Today was rough. A lot of days are, but all day today I just felt…nothing. Nothing and everything. I feel like there’s such a heavy numbness surrounding me. There is little joy in anything, and I just feel so completely drained.
I wish it was as simple as telling someone else the truth about it. I wish there wasn’t such a pressure to hide it, to plaster on a smile and act like things are fine. Oftentimes I find myself questioning what the point of it all is. Why am I fighting so hard, why do I keep pushing myself, why am I so emotionally available for others, but not for myself? The questions are endless. And the more I look, the more there will be.
Nothing about life is fair, and thats normal. That’s to be expected, it’s just the way it goes. Life can be beautiful, and I think for many people, it often is. For my, the beauty in the world comes in the form of connection. From another person, from those around you who are truly present and just with you. I try to be that person for others. To be that constant, the reminder that maybe there is beauty in the form of love and community.
I hope I remain that reminder for others throughout my life.
Today was hard. For no reason other than it just was. I was shorter with my kids than I could have been, I was tired and rushed, and I just didn’t have it today. Sometimes depression and anxiety just take over. But it’s in days like this where I need to remind myself that I am driving. And I need to regain control. Mental health is important. Advocating for yourself is important. I am important.
I think I need to start being more honest with those around me. More importantly, I think I need to start being more honest with myself. Today wasn’t great, but hopefully tonight will be better.