Hey there, sadness. Today you win. I guess I have to recognize that. I’ll call you what you are instead of pretending you don’t exist. I won’t call you anger or anything else when I know that isn’t really true.
It’s hard to keep up with you sometimes, sadness. You put some pretty big demands on my life and quite frankly, you consume most of my energy. But it’s frustrating, because I just don’t know what to do with you! I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle your all consuming presence or how to make you go away.
I know when I feel like this during the day, I need to be extra careful at night.
Right now, you are in the lead. But I don’t want you to get even further ahead. I need to be able to come back from this, to feel less of you less frequently. I’m not sure if thats even possible at this point. You’ve been controlling me for so long now that I’m not even sure I know how to view the world without your lenses clouding my judgment.
You’ve stolen my energy, you’ve stolen my hope…you have taken quite a bit from me lately. I know it’s not just you, sadness. You’re just the one I ignore most often. For some reason, it’s the hardest to accept you.
Maybe it’s because if I accept that I’m sad, it means that I’m weak. If I were stronger, if I were better…then I wouldn’t feel this way at all.
I know you serve a purpose, but I really don’t care anymore. I’m pretty sick of you. And your friends. You’ve left no room for healing or growth. You’re all I see now, and I’m losing sight of the things that are supposed to be important.
And just like that…sadness fades away into anger. I know what to do with anger. Or maybe that’s just another mask.
All I know is that I’m feeling pretty done. I’m just broken and rather apathetic right now. None of this is a good combination.
Like I said in a post from last week…a world where I feel hopeless is an extremely dangerous place to be. And I can’t pretend otherwise anymore.