Today is my first day back in therapy since before the holidays, 2 weeks ago.
Now, 2 weeks may not feel like a long time to go between therapy sessions, especially when some people only go that often to begin with. But I usually go twice a week, and at least one of those days is a 2 hour session.
I’m glad to be going back…but it feels like I’ve been away for too long. It feels like starting over again in all the worst ways.
Whenever there’s a long gap like this, I get so detached. Like the longer it goes, the less anything matters, the less I matter. And I just don’t know what to say.
I don’t have to push myself, I don’t have to think, I don’t have to feel. I can simply just exist in a space that allows the numbness to exist. Until it doesn’t. Going back to therapy after readapting to my world of emotional neglect and avoidance…it’s like a shock to the system.
Honestly, quite a bit has happened in these past 2 weeks. So it’s not like there’s just nothing to talk about…I just feel like I don’t know what to say. It feels like sitting in front of a stranger again and I just feel awkward and shut down. Which is stupid, because I’ve known her for like 6 years now.
There is a lot to talk about. But I don’t want to. I don’t know how to anymore. It’s so hard turning that switch back on when it shuts itself off so easily.
I want therapy to go well tonight, but that doesn’t mean that it will. I already have so much anxiety thinking about it, knowing that I’ll likely mess it up. That my head will be screaming at me with all of the things I should say…but just can’t.
Hopefully I’ll feel better once I’m actually there, and things will feel as normal as they can…
I think it will be okay. I’m just nervous. And I don’t want to mess it up.
Besides, I’m sure she missed me and she’ll obviously be so happy to see. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her these past 2 weeks without having to deal with me. Ugh. Damn. I guess the real burden is on her.
(Don’t worry, I’m kidding. I literally can’t do therapy without sarcasm, so why should this be any different) 🙃