Hour 1- 8:40pm
I’ve already pushed it 1 hour and 49 minutes. The pain is intense. The headache, she shakiness, the pounding heart. I need to do this slowly. I need to taper. One drink tonight. I’m only 3 weeks, 1 day. I found out as early as possible to give myself the best chance before 4 weeks. One drink tonight and I’ll still be in a world of pain. This is fucking hard.
This is the longest I’ve ever gone in over 3 years.
Hour 3- 11:50pm
Spoiler alert: no. The nighttime bad feelings are not caused by intoxication. I’m disturbingly sober, and I feel the same depths of darkness that I do on any other night. I feel unwanted and unloved and alone. And fucking tired. I’ve had a drink and a sip. I feel like shit. But it’s worth it. I’m doing the right thing. Wish me luck in the morning. At least I gave myself the grace of something tonight. Tomorrow will not end the same.
Hour 7- 2:00am
I “went to bed” at midnight. I still haven’t fallen asleep, despite being exhausted. Welcome back, insomnia.
Hour 11 – 7:00am
I’m exhausted. My heart is fluttery, and I’m shaky. I’ll be okay today. The real difficulty will come tonight.
Hour 28- 12:00am
Somehow I did it. Nothing to drink tonight. This was horrible. And painful. And I never want to go through withdrawals like this again.
We’re in bed now. My husband just said to me “I’m proud of you.” I asked “for what”? He said “you know what”. Great. Now I’m emotional.
He still doesn’t know I’m pregnant. I needed to do this myself.
But he was proud of me anyway.
I almost had a drink right now. I know there are …expectations of this evening. And I haven’t had sex sober in…well, as long as I’ve been drinking.
Shit. This is going to be a problem. My mind and body are fighting this. Fighting me. I need alcohol. I can’t exist without it.
But I guess I’m going to have to. It isn’t a choice anymore. It’s simply just what will happen.
Sobriety is here. Don’t fuck it up.