(((I know, I know. I’m writing a lot the past few days. I tend to do that. I feel things and I either completely shut down and stop all forms of communication, or I just try to write it all out. I guess I’m in that phase now?)))
A hangover is guaranteed for tomorrow. But tonight, I just don’t care. I’ve just poured my “third” drink…but one drink of mine is already probably equal to at least 2 or 3 of yours. I guess that mathematically puts me at my at least 6th drink.
Tonight, anger controls the chaos. It’s the simplest emotion, really. One that I’m most familiar with. It’s the least complicated and the most straightforward.
Tonight’s anger is simple. I’m angry that I can’t be honest. The words are screaming inside of me to be voiced…yet they just don’t make it out.
I’m angry that my husband wants to go to sleep and I’m just not even close to there yet. On the same note, I’m angry that I’m having such a hard time tonight and it feels like he isn’t noticing, or really, to be fair, he just isn’t being what I need him to be. If I actually voiced anything, I’m sure it might be different. Although it’s clearly too late now.
I’m angry that my kids had a weird day in therapy. It seemed “good” on the outside…but part of their diagnosis is knowing when to limit them. Especially my (almost) 5 year old. He spends ALL of his energy expenditure up at therapy which makes him look GREAT for an hour of the day…but then I’m left with a miserable, overtired, in pain child.
That’s not my favorite.
I’m angry because I just want to scream out the painful honesty that circles within my head. The honesty that no one wants to hear.
The demons coming from my glass are telling me I deserve all of this. Those demons are trying to force me into the bad choices I’ve desperately tried to free myself of. The pills…the self harm…the bottles of alcohol hidden in the closet…
Tonight, the urges of stupidity are unfortunately present. The voices telling me all of the ways I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve it…I should give up or hurt myself…
Those are the voices screaming in my ear tonight.
Tonight doesn’t want me to meet tomorrow. Tonight is absolutely terrified to close my eyes and meet what demons may come.
I’m not interested. I’m not interested in the pain or the chaos or the turmoil…..
I know I’m strong…but I should only ever have to be so strong. This feels greater than that. This feels like punishment.
Tonight fucking sucks. And it looks so much like all the others.
Tonight I’m left feeling weak and vulnerable and alone. All things that alone I hate feeling, let alone all combined.
I’m angry that I’m drinking this deliciously horrific drink. Every sip contributing to the chaos. I know before I drink it that I’ll regret it. Yet I drink it anyway. Because still, that seems simpler.
But do the feelings of tomorrow really mean anything if I’m so stuck on tonight?
The acute pain is all that I see. And that feels like enough.
It isn’t my job to stop the wounds of the world from bleeding out. So why does it feel like it is?
Tonight I am fighting EVERY demon in my head. I’m fighting against every single bad decision. Tonight I desperately want to give up. I just want it to stop.
Im sick of the pain..of the hurt. Of the loneliness.
It just fucking hurts.
And I’m so tired of feeling alone in it all when all I fucking want is a pat on the head or a hug. I just want to feel okay.
In a world where I understand that nothing will ever really be okay…
I just wish I could feel safe and loved for one single second.