Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

Honoring our “inside” voices

“Does sometimes your outside voice say ‘yes’ when your inside voice says ‘no’?”

First of all, if you know where this quote is from, then welcome. You’re officially one of my people.

For those of you, likely without young children, that don’t know, it’s a quote from (the best) kids show, Bluey. And today, after hearing the mom character ask that question to her child for probably the hundredth time, it broke me, just a little bit.

It’s like I heard it for the first time, and it broke me in the best ways. That’s something that I do all the time. My outside voice said yes, when my inside voice really says no.

I think way too many of us do that. We sacrifice ourselves, our needs, and our wants for others. And while it’s okay to do that sometimes…it can’t be the basis for how we live our lives.

We have to honor ourselves and our true, hidden, inside voice as well. It only stands to hurt us when we don’t.

When we lie, or dismiss ourselves, or hide our true thoughts and feelings. It’s something I do, and have done, for my entire life, and it just does nothing good. It doesn’t help me, it doesn’t make me feel better… it just leaves me feeling alone and isolated and, sometimes, even walked in or taken advantage of.

This weekend, my outside voice is going to match my inside voice. Just for this weekend…Saturday, Sunday, and Monday…his birthday…I’m going to allow myself to feel honestly and truly. I’m not going to suppress my emotions, or try to act strong when I feel weak.

This weekend will be hard. My sons 8th birthday is in just 3 days, and for those next 3 days, it’s going to feel impossible to live. Impossible to function. I feel physically sick and exhausted whenever I think about him, and it just hurts so, so badly.

Last night, aware of the situation, my husband looked at me and told me that he’s sad. He said he knows that I’m sad, and doesn’t want me to be. He doesn’t know what to do, or how to fix it. And I don’t know how to either. I don’t know what he, or anyone, can do.

This weekend will be full of grief and pain and sadness. There isn’t a sadness like missing your own child…it’s a loss that shouldn’t happen, a loss that makes no sense.

My inside voice wants to scream out in pain and just shut down, and not be responsible for anyone or anything for the rest of the weekend. I want to be honest, and I want to feel this honestly. And in a real way.

This weekend won’t be easy. Monday will be the hardest day of all. But for once, I will allow myself to space to feel everything that I need to. Or at least, I’m going to try to.

My husband wants to be there for me, he just doesn’t know for to. But I’m going to let him try, instead of insisting that I’m fine.

Because I’m not fine.

I’m not fine to the point to where I’m questioning if I can even make it through this weekend alive. I know I have to, but I don’t want to. I’m just too tired to feel this amount of pain and longer.

Exit mobile version