Site icon Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

From the journal of a girl who is about to lose her son…

April 3rd, 2014
“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This long without cutting, drinking, smoking…I can’t believe it’s all almost over. I had a doctor appointment the other day and I’m going to be induced tonight on the 3rd, and hopefully deliver on the 4th. That was my actual due date.

I should’ve called the hospital over an hour ago, but clearly, I’m procrastinating. My mom will be here from the 3rd to the 7th. I think I’m pretty scared. They usually don’t like to induce because of the increased risk of c-section and other things, but because of my situation and everyone being far away, the doctor decided it was okay.

(Adoptive parents) will come here tonight I think, and I’m scared. I just can’t believe it’s almost time. All this work and planning and everything…and it’s just over as soon as I have him.

I hope I get time alone with him. I hope (adoptive parents) will give me space. I really want to spend time with (birth dad) and our son…just the 3 of us. I just want a little dose of what could have been, and what probably will never be again.

As scared as I am for the labor aspect, I’m 10x more afraid of afterwards. Of next week, next month, all summer…I’m terrified of being away from (birth dad) while he’s (temporarily working somewhere else). I don’t want to lose him. I love him, and I’m terrified of a long distance relationship with no end in sight.

I need him to be there to support me. He’s the only one who can almost understand what I’m going through. Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary, and I don’t want it to be our last.

Even if it is…I hope one day, if I’m really angry and hate him for hurting me…I hope I can look back and remember that I loved him.
Forgiveness is easier than hatred is….”


I wrote that 8 years ago. I was desperately trying to stay strong in a hopeless situation. Today, I’m not strong enough to voice my own words. So I’ll let my past self do the talking. The pain is all the same.

I recently wrote a post about Birth Dad, and how I feel about him now. Turns out, I choose to forgive him.

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