First of all, thank you. Thank you for still…being there. And for trying to stick it out with me. We’ve been through a lot over the past few years, and I know I can be quite difficult. No matter where things go or end up, I’ll always be appreciative of the time you’ve spent and the effort you’ve put in with me. So, thank you. I mean that.
Lately, it feels like even when I’m trying my hardest, there’s still some tension between us. Like, maybe the history of the past is interfering too much with the present. I don’t mean that in a harsh or bad way, I just mean…that’s life. It happens.
I feel like you don’t trust me very much, and sure, some of that is warranted, but I don’t think all of it is. I always do what I say I’m going to do. Sometimes I fail, yes. But I always try, and I always tell the truth.
Today was hard, but I want to feel that it was hard for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I want to feel like it was hard because the topic we talked about was touchy and difficult, but not because our relationship is. I get the vibe that you don’t fully trust me, and you’re hesitant to try things we’ve tried in the past. While I do certainly understand your perspective, I also hope you understand mine.
Who I am now is different than who I was 2 years ago. And who I was 2 years ago was very different than who I was 2 years before then. You’ve had the…umm…pleasure? misfortune? opportunity? to witness all of the lovely different versions of me.
This current version of me is trying her hardest. I recognize I have a lot of shit that needs fixing, and while I recognized that a few years ago, I was less ready, and far less sober, than I am now.
Sometimes I wish we could start with a blank slate, that we could try things we’ve tried in the past without you feeling like it’s a lost cause…like I’m a lost cause. I want to work hard. I want to do the work. All I want right now is to do better and feel better…and just because something didn’t work however long ago, doesn’t mean I’m unwilling or unable to try it again. Please understand, I really do appreciate your perspective, and I don’t at all dismiss it or take it lightly.
I don’t want to feel like we’re fighting a different fight. We’re on the same team, and I need you on my side. I’m sensitive, and kind of shitty, and I know I’m not all that great.
But I am honest, and I am trustworthy. If nothing else, I am those things. But I am also very broken, and very easily hurt. That’s my problem, not yours, I get that.
I want to work together, with you, to fight the demons in my head and in my life. I need you on my side, helping me through it, and guiding me in ways that I understand. You’re one of the few people in my life who I know I can count on, and I do need you to help me through all of these things. You have an important significance in my life, and that isn’t something I take for granted.
I know I have a lot of flaws and imperfections, but one of them is not a lack of effort. I will always fight, and I don’t want to give up. You, going to see you, working with you, it’s what gives me the hope and the strength that my life can and will be what I hope it is someday. I have a lot of obstacles in the way of happiness, but I know I can get there one day. It will never be easy, but with your help, and my effort, it might be possible.
Please don’t give up on me, please understand that I’m trying. We want the same things out of this, and I’m willing to put in the time and the work. But I need to know that we fighting the same fight, and that at the end of the day, you’ll still be there…even when shit is really hard.
I’m sorry I’m frustrating and fucking difficult as shit, but I promise, I’m doing my best. And even at that, I’m working to do better.
Your favorite client ever, obviously.